damage's weight

i almost went to sleep without writing something. i decided i was going to stop doing that.

i noticed you were looking around, for a few minutes, the other day. 4 pages in, anyway. 4 pages in isn't enough to find what you were looking for. if you were looking for it. go back a month or two, it's there. there have been more, but i haven't posted them. saving them for a rainy day years hence, when you no longer burn at the back of my throat, when you're no longer barely obscured by clouds.

when i've untied the emotions and can look at it all without them. when i'm "familiar enough with my ghosts to no longer care when they leave me." as i said once, once upon a time.

i've had my moments of it, too. moments of weakness. of wishing forgiveness or absolution. moments when i have scoured the corners of the interweb for a glimpse of you. but you've erased those trails surprisingly well. and all that ties me to you currently are the spam emails i keep getting from your (old?) gmail account, with some long and dubious link in them for some magical thing that has changed your life.

even though i know they're not really from you, when they show up, i still get that strange lump in my throat. that's how i know it's too soon.

that's how i know i probably shouldn't post this, that it might be a bad idea to let you know that i know that you were here, even if it was only for 4 minutes and 38 seconds.

i miss the way you could make me laugh so easily. i miss laughing easily. i miss being close to you, even though i wasn't. oh, damn nostalgia. it's always the shiny luster over everything that was wrong. makes it all look good from so far away.

i just wish we could be friends. it's come to that, at least. i'm not bitter anymore. regretful, but not bitter.