peripheral twitch

phantom touches
an impression born
of not being
wound words
so tight for so
long it will be
an endless un-
winding & i tap
tap tap tap taptaptap
out in quick tugs
the tendrils as i
loosen them
from themselves
it isn't meant
to mean anything
besides itself
it's less a poem
less a stream of consciousness
less an inner monologue
that it is just
breaths across keys
in the absence of
sleep or someone
or both
i've heard it
both ways
i've watched
the slow evening
spider march of
tangible things
spindle
thoughts out
and around
themselves
a spinneret
etiquette
of silk sidebar
significant
in-
significants
a round thing
jingling its way
in and out of rooms
summer smother
summers
mother
my inner ear
out of tune and
monkeybarring
its way through
the songs i want
to make mean more
than perhaps they should
those dreams you assign
meaning to, in lieu
of meaningful
mundanities
of this everyday thing
some people
have the gall
to call
life

mixtape xxiv - the peck & clamour

if the sun was never to rise
and the moon reflected time
it'd be a long dark night
aim your glow
guide the ships home
aim your glow
hope someone's watching
-
couldn't find you
honesty
all the blisters
you were holding alone
couldn't find you
were you water
were you breaking
my frozen bones
my broken mind
now i've spoken
what it meant to be
in your doorway
standing taller
than those long shadows
-
you hold out
for more than
you go for
it's not going
to work out
you know it
-
i've always said it's easy that way
easy to manipulate
and take me to war
squirrel it away
when you wake up cold and alive you go
butt out
thought i had it down now
this is what i asked for
-
i'm a lump of meat
with a heartbeat
electricity restarts me
and i promised myself
i wouldn't sing about death
-
fingers ring la la leaders
queue jumpers
rock fist paper scissors
it's all in your eyes
deep greedy and
googling every corner
-
how optimism led me astray
two hundred things i took the wrong way
could be blown way out, way out
it's all going to change
-
turn your passion into patience
there is bound to be great pain
and i must walk these roads to freedom
'cos i can hear them call my name
-
i still owe money
to the money
to the money i owe
never thought about love
when i thought about home
the floors are falling out
from everybody i know
-
soft from your lips
to the rise of your stomach
your long filthy fingers
keep jamming words down my throat
nothing to steal
we've got nothing to love
nothing to spill
because oh we're so innocent
-
dance for death
you lame in the morning fires
and be a ghost in the sky
will my bleeding ears be rung with joy
or are they just plain spent
and well destroyed
-
all i perceive
is wasted and broken
silvery streams
sacred when spoken
slam into me and into
the ditch of debris
everyone barks
and they're all still believing
to tear out your heart
would send all your secrets
to me
-
love in our life
is just too valuable
oh to feel
for even a second
without it
but life
without death
is just impossible
oh, to realize
something is ending
within us
feeling yourself
disintegrate

mixtape xxiv - the peck & clamour

aim - dot hacker

bones - dustin tebbutt

hold out - washed out

down now - french kicks

the weight - editors

fitzpleasure - alt-j

mind mischief - tame impala

freedom pt 2 - songs: ohia

bloodbuzz ohio - the national

on the edge of - low

ghost in the sky - sparklehorse

breaking through - mmoths

lesson in patience - chet faker

where you'll find me now - neutral milk hotel

feeling yourself disintegrate - the flaming lips

mixtape xvi - a little light

does a loving feud have to be something more,
or will the rug muffle our yells
will the chipped paint on the walls ever dry?
will the room keep closing in?
you smashed the doorframe
and i’ll burn the halls
just wanna let you go
shall we build a bridge from door to door
to help the postman on his route?
shall we tip-toe through forest and field
to get the job done by ourselves?
gather stargazers and curious wanders
on the other side

-

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes
all shiny.
in the rollercoaster din,
by the parachutes in saddle shoes
you break your shin.
but I have never seen two eyes
so shiny.
and the sullen beery swine
who try to tangle you in
sullen beery balls of twine,
have they ever seen two eyes
so shiny?
the boys in denim vests,
smoking cigarettes
between their bootblack fingertips,
sweetly tipsy by the half-light.
the light and the
half-light.

-

if you knew how i miss you,
you would not stay away today.
don't you know how i need you?
stay here, my dear, with me.

-

come monday night we turn the telly off
to listen to the silence
light that comes in from outside
if you could catch it all
and pin it to your wall
then you would sleep much better

-

and when i feel like i can feel once again
let me stay awhile
soak it in awhile
if we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
buy a little time
for this head of mine
haven for us
in truth there is no better place to be
than falling out of darkness still to see
without a premonition
could you tell me where we stand?
i'd hate to lose this light
before we land

-

i can't sleep in silence
can't be pitch black in my room
i need some lights on, some distraction
so i won't move
and in the middle of the night when i have
drifted off in sleep
i see a thousand cherry tulips lined up
along my street
i want the sea
i want the whole sea
(and endless cherries)
for you and me
(for crimson colors)
for you and me
(all just for you and me)

-

said you never felt so strange
said i never felt so strange
hanging out with the drifters
the poets and the painters that fill your head
no, i never wanted much
and we're old enough now
to know you never want it till someone does
don't you think you should try a little
to make it all come clean?
is this highway a road to love or
just a way to get to him?
what you gonna get out of nothing?
'cause nothing is the way it seems
i saw you in the silence
i saw you in the darkness
crawling through the pillars of your pain
truly i can see your smile
running with your hair all wild
running for the weekend
looking for the daylight in your eyes

-

lately i have noticed that love has lost all of its class
all these ‘booty calls’ and speed dating scores
makes for love that never lasts
what became of that old fashioned man?
who was happy to hold your hand
who asked permission to kiss your cheek
and how the thrill of it would make your knees weak
lately i’ve noticed that love has lost all its charm
what happened to town hall dances and slow romances
down the boulevard arm in arm?
i’m just looking for a man with an
old fashioned
passion for
me

-

when you're drunk in the alley, baby, with your clothes all torn
and your late night friends leave you in the cold gray dawn
just seemed too many flies on you, i just can't brush them off
angels beating all their wings in time
with smiles on their faces and a gleam right in their eyes
whoa, thought i heard one sigh for you
come on up, come on up, now, come on up now
may the good lord shine a light on you
make every song you sing your favorite tune
may the good lord shine a light on you
warm like the evening sun

-
i will make you a little paper boat
mmmmm, it'll always keep but probably never float
i'll fold the sails perfectly straight
i bet the wind won't blow and you'll have to wait
for the current to pick up and push you forward
and take it's time to get out to sea
a view full of colour and disguise
i hope it takes you to me
oh and if my boat won't float i'll make you a paper crane
i think it means good luck in japan
oh if it flew it would probably crash land
i'm no good with origami
but i'm good at loving you
i'll write you a little French poem
mmmmm, bring all your friends 'cause
you wanna show 'em
i'll make sure its grammatically correct
to read in your head with my french accent
est-que je vais te revoir
et es libre c'est soir
je vais de toi, mon amour

-

i got sunburnt waiting for the jets to land
circus people with hairy little hands
come on boys strike up the army band
i got sunburnt waiting for the jets
how do you feel?
i can't seem to see through solid marble eyes
fiery pianos wash up on a foggy coast
squeaky old organs have given up the ghost
fire them up and kill the pianos
there's creaky old organs burning on the coast
how do you feel?
i can't seem to breath with a rusted metal heart
i can't seem to see through solid marble eyes

-

sometime we can be restrained
they put the weight up on our chains
leave me in the heavy rain
where clouds are so thick you make me pick
between all of this good and bad
you were never told it's not as simple as that
you could be happy if you
hold out your hands
say you want to be happy
and i'll open your eyes
i said don't be so ashamed
don't let them push you into the shade
you replied well it's all the same
have i ever told you about the flame that never died
a spark arose within the darkest of nights
it lit up the room so we could see in daylight

-

tall black trees in the wind
they sway and they bend
leaves in your face
now you're gone
a war can last too long
a memory in your place
and now that you're gone
a war can last too long
time is all it takes
to heal the break that's in my heart
when it gets dark
let's murder all the things we were
turn this to a peaceful place
for time's all it takes
for me to heal the break
oh, say you will carry on
oh, say you'll burn
all those who are wrong.
lord, say you'll put my heart into this song
and i haven't seen you in so long

-

you don't have a clue
what it is like to be next to you
i'm here to tell you
that it is good
that it is true
birds singing a song
old paint is peeling
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling
words can't be that strong
my heart is reeling
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling

-

she lives alone without his call
she's almost at the end
silence when she talks
in a house that's way too big for her
she calls
she calls to the satellite
won't you help me
tonight
play that song you know i like
and i'll wake up in time
traces silently stars
i won't ask for any more
i won't
to the satellite

mixtape xvi

a little light

find my name in the sun - and the giraffe

shiny - the decemberists

if you knew - jeff buckley

come monday night - god help the girl

the light before we land - the delgados

cherry tulips - headlights

starlight no. 1 - mojave 3

old fashioned man - ange takats

shine a light - rolling stones

paper boat - gossling

piano fire - sparklehorse

you could be happy - sahara beck

tall trees - lost in the trees

fresh feeling - the eels

satellite - ainslie wills

mixtape iv - angry ink in mouth corners

hey
been trying to meet you
must be a devil between us
or whores at the door
whore in my bed
but hey
where
have you
been
if you go
i will surely die
we're chained

-

this is the story of victoria lee
she started off on percodan
and ended up with me
she lived in berkeley
until the earthquake shook her loose
she lives in texas now
where nothing ever moves
you'd like to think they're your friends
but they're not your friends
and in the end a friend's the one you'll never know
oh, don't you know?
you'd like to think you're groovy, it's your movie
you see through me, but it's true
and in the end you'll know
victoria, don't go, victoria, victoria, don't go


-

it's just the world that's all it is
toppling through outer space
on a trip it's just the world
some kind of topical fish in a tropical storm.
we dig a blade in the rib cage of an ice age
and we twist until it’s warm.
you know it’s just the world (it was only rome)
trying to be something with an original spin.
an unoriginal sin (i’ve sinned before),
just with a bottle of gin and the girl next door.

-

don't ever give me your back again
you were brought up far too well
we both knew from the start
put pen to paper and let them know
it was all just smoke and mirrors
i've seen to the end
and they believed it with all their hearts
we'd see them stumbling by
yes together we brought them
down so it adds up for me
i sat beneath it with no whistle to blow
i sat beneath it with no whistle to blow
all the while who knew
you would see such despair
oh let me share the saintly fun
counting every accident one by one
we'll see the children around the pyre
and hold their little hands as these all sail away

-

stole a page from your book
and a line from your page
and flew into a lesbian rage
cuz with eyes on my own rotten luck
another nude descends the staircase to get fucked
a city scene
darkness falls
now skate hard down the gallery walls
there's a plague on
there's a rat-tailed ensemble
burying all of our heads in the sand

-

i know that i said i'd be gone by now
i'd be further down the road
but i lagged behind
belly up, you said, but i wanted you by my side
so this is why i'm waiting
this is why i haven't come undone
this is what i keep saying to keep my shoulders strong

-

you've got such ordinary ways
of wasting your life
don't try to grieve for yesterday
tears won't save you now

-

don't touch me
if you're thinking of somebody else
i'm a fool for a man who is not fixated on himself
but not if he's fixated on somebody else
don't touch me
unless you're gonna say my name
while we do it
you know, i wanna do it
and you don't know
what you put me through
falling all over myself
in love with you
and you didn't deserve it

-

tall woman, pull the pylons down
and wrap them around the necks
of all the feckless men that queue to be the next
steepled
fingers, ring la la la la la la la leaders
queue jumpers
rock fist paper scissors, la la la la la la la lingered fluffers
be quiet
in your hoof lies the heartland
where we tent for our treasure, pleasure, leisure

-

got me a movie
i want you to know
slicing up eyeballs
i want you to know
girlie so groovy
i want you to know
don't know about you
but i am un chien andalusia
wanna grow
up to be
be a debaser, debaser

-

well my father put a shame on me
said he wouldn't put his name on me
said he wouldn't be the first in his family
whose son cried when he was born
well he died the day i got a gun
said that he was proud that i's his son
that was right there in his plan
i'd grow up and be a man
and there was a tear, i saw it in his eye
he said he couldn't think of a better way to die
said boy if you wanna live
you better die like a brave man
i don't wanna die in middle of the night i want a
brave man's death

-

how can things be different
now that everything has changed?
watching her live her life
surely helped him turn the page
you deserve a big house,
and your heart deserves a cage
dying of old age,
feeding time is needing,
he won't be touched or seen
and lust has made him say some things
that he just didn't mean it
sleeping makes him wonder
it must be for the weak
they don't know nothing

-

distant and vague
every time i try to talk to you
she dreams of dreams and dreams
and one day will be queen
she does not know how much I mean
she must remain a child
she thinks she is so wild
she cannot find her style
and yet, she moves
distant and vague

-

if the walls were too thin
you would break in
if the walls were too thin
you would break right in
out in the thunder
opens my eyes wide
there is something in my mind
keeps me up at night
ooh when the window
lets in hot whips of light
before i feel it's time
to control my mind

-

i wouldn't find my place with this poor disguise
why can't i face myself without these lies?
i couldn't find my path without knowing it
i've been around every turn
i know what's left is right
i'll never let it die
i tried, i dared to free my mind
and all the same changes as before
don't seem to change a thing at all
i'm never gonna try
i know that i won't go back
it started with a smile, i know
but it won't come back

mixtape iv

angry ink in mouth corners

hey - pixies

victoria - old 97s

original spin - mother mother

show your age - the end of the world

chump change - new pornographers

strong shoulders - caroline smith & the good night sleeps

are you life - little

don't touch me - agent ribbons

fitzpleasure - alt-j

debaser - pixies

brave man's death - j roddy walston & the business

skinny bones jones - infantree

distant and vague - royal headache

apply - glasser

eidolon - karnivool

mixtape ii - dark daze

my baby's got the lonesome lows

don't quite go away overnight

doctor blind just prescribe the blue ones

if the dizzying highs don't subside overnight

doctor blind just prescribe the red ones

hard to hold cold to touch

fall to pieces treat the rush

in hindsight with primetime talk

-

i could walk into the sea

and i could choke away the memories

do i have to stay alive

just to keep our dresses white

you come to me in dreams

with all the other pretty things

and you tell me 'bout a savior

and how our souls go on forever

and time is just a hunger

it bleeds us all to nothing

and when it finally takes us over

i hope we float away together

-

i could have stayed at home and gone to bed

i could have gone to see a film instead

you might have changed your mind and seen your friends

life could have been very different then

but something changed

why did i write a song on that one day?

why did you touch my hand and softly say

stop asking questions that don't matter anyway?

when we woke up that morning

we had no way of knowing

that in a matter of hours

we'd change the way we were going

where would i be now?

where would i be now if we never met?

-

oh my heart it's a fish out of water

oh my heart it's a fish on the rocks

and it bakes in the bad sun 

oh my heart it's a rock in the gutter

oh my heart it's a rocky great boulder and stuck in the gutter

and i throw my heart back to the ocean

but it don't go far it come back floating

and i watch it wash up with the dead fish

but it ain't quite dead it just is like this

oh my heart it's a house in tornado

oh my heart it's a house in the sky in the eye of tornado 

-

there are beads that wrap around your knees

that crackle into the dark

like a walk in the park 

like a hole in your head

like the feeling you get when you realize

you're dead this time

we ride roller coasters into the ocean

we feel no emotion as we spiral

down to the world and i guess it's worth your time

because there's some lives you live

and some lives you leave behind

it gets hard to explain

the gardenhead knows my name

leave me alone

-

i will return here one day

and dig up my boots from the clay

i buried nails and strings and hair

and an old tooth i believe was a bear's

i held my hand in the fire

it burned me down to the wires

blood suckers hide beneath my bed

and black fumes of skin so gently bled

i slept with a cat on my breast

slowing my heart stealing my breath

at sunrise the monkeys will fly

and leave me with pennies in my eyes

-

i'm so heavy

i can't get up

morning comes

as it always

always does

i can feel

my skull

through my skin

people will tell you

people will chose for you

then say there weren’t no alternative

people will want you

to do just as they do

they’ll say it’s just how it must be done

close your eyes

sink down

another time

all your anger

and your grief

it spills down the line

pay your dues, honey

with the endlessness

alone with yourself

-

i became accustomed to a kind of social servitude

and no one, i mean no one, could accept what i had become

selfish, bitter, weak, enough to make you sick

and lately i've been feeling

there are bits of life i'm stealing

get me home

at times it seems i will not help

but it's just that i must save myself

from fear that blankets light mist on an optimist who insists

it's the simple things that crush

and i'm crying far too much

so much so that i'm thinking my control on life is shrinking

there's a light on in my head

and i'm thinking what i've said

all the freedom in my brain... i'm alright now, i'm just thinkin' what to say

-

she doesn't have to go to work

but she doesn't want to stay in bed

because it's changed from something comfortable

to something else instead

this bed has seen it all

from the first time to the last

the silences of now

and the good times of the past

-

gotta stop now, ya get me so down

this feeling still in everyone

it's cheating ourself, gotta stop now

when you do it all this way

i've always said it's easy that way

it's easy to manipulate

and take me to war

squirrel it away when you wake up cold and alive

you go

butt out

thought i had it down now

this is what i asked for

get out

go out 

get down now

but I'm not you so let it go

-

another day in the hole

i feel my lungs fill up with coal

i go to work i go to bed

it's what i do to keep you fed

it's what my father did for me

and when you're older you will see

all i need 

is to wake up

-

and i never meant to be the girl who broke your heart

i know i've been bad and did you wrong

and now i'm all alone

never meant to be your stepping stone

all the thoughts that were running through my head

i'm a little bit overwhelmed

forgive me if I try to ask you for help

i'm wrong i'm wrong, wrong, wrong

and my body feels your anger

like a fire burning deep

-

sow the seeds 

of everything to be

save what's left

i winter in my dreams

speak your words

define my grief for me

out of reach

some things just cannot be

mixtape ii

dark daze

doctor blind - emily haines

walk into the sea - low

something changed - pulp

o my heart - mother mother

gardenhead/leave me alone - neutral milk hotel

eyepennies - sparklehorse

heavy - mia dyson

american trilogy - the delgados

darker (instrumental) - doves

live bed show - pulp

down now - french kicks

coal miner - communist daughter

pontoon - emma louise

hawk - broadcast

this book is a movie (instrumental) - spoon

baby birch

it’s spring, my sapling
but i can’t watch you
stretch your branches
or spread fingers
in the sky. can’t hear
your laughter shake
green in the wind

don’t smell good earth
kicked up at your
little root feet,
petrichor when
you point & tremble

sweet sapling, spring
shows me space you
may have been; another
whole hole full
of emptiness

rather, i plant myself
in a cotyledon curl,
dream of more
yellow birds alight
in dark branches

& on white flashes
of bark, brown eyes
watch me, unblinking

in a yellow wood,
my sapling, spring
is ever on the edge
of my eyelid, my lips
spill voiceless
mouthfuls of converge
converge
converge.

he sayd, she sayd

his backache groans

as fate & conscience

readjust, settle

their weight

on the balance

of his shoulders,

& tendril secrets

in gilded strands

to a whirring spool

between sharp ears.

when he listens

he cocks his head

forward, so he can

see the circumference

of your words

before they land.

he is two steps back

& eagle eyed.

he is one great

leap ahead.

on seat-edges

in red dark

we strain forward

ears, eyes eager

open wide, wide

for the spring song

of a small brown bird.

perched on stage,

perched on one

leg, the other

trying to launch her

skyward with every

takeoff note.

but the weight

of her words is more

than just heavy.

the coo and tremble

in her hollow bones

take us too close to the

sun for wax wings

& the curtains

of her face.

forever ago is for emma

south & south west
you crouch atop a windaround
dirt hill, hide from mother, sister, wife,
hold out - in arms that shake
like samson’s pillars,

arms streaked with red dust
& a tired tenderness -
a squalling mass
of big eyes & brown curls,
whisper what you gave away
& want forgiveness.

but all i can do is break
like a five string serenade,
like a long dream from a short sleep
in a cold night, and slap tears
off my cheeks on a bad morning.

(one from october) airstream

a sharp smart
in eyelid corners
after a quick inhale
of crisp october air.
it tingles, a nosetip
almost-sneeze,
furious blinking.

i clench a weight
of wind in hungry fists,
release it as
currency, the cost
of explaining
forward momentum.

a wet wobble
in swept current,
after a riverbed heart
of smooth regret
slides loose, chooses
flow — over staid,
stubborn eroding.

for the times

for the times
it didn’t end
and times
before it did

a slow song
with long notes
in a minor key
and 3/4 time

to be one fourth
out of touch
with whateverelse

and three fourths
in touch
too much
with yourselfs

for the times
you edgeskirted
so long you wore
the edge in
and it bent
toward the void
and lost its lip

for the wind
and the winding
maps of self-progress
always in circles,
and cycles

for the wheel
that sent you
reeling
further in
further down
instead of up
and out.

for the crave
of silence instead
of whitenoise.

all the time
overwhelmed by
dizziness
until all you need
is to stop the ride
and get off

for your chime
of hollow laughs
echoing against
the sides of
themselves

for the dark
grimaces
you mask as grins
and bear it
barely

for the tips
of fingers
whiteknuckled,
their reach
long after
your reaching

for the times
of good notes
and good days
good shades
of good greys

good friends

and goodbyes.

mixtape vi: sfumato

in the mountain's song, in the blue jay's call
my heartbeat flows in crystal water falls
you were so beautiful in your elegant bed
you'd have my blues for your Nantucket reds
i'd wait in the dark balanced on a thread

-

butter on a summer day
i was on the tracks
when the gate came down
suddenly i recognized
those bloodshot rearview mirror eyes as mine
i heard that whistle call my name
i almost drove away
but... i had a feeling that you would be on that train
so i just waited there for you
caught a ride to another town
where the air was clean
and the sun never goes down
everyone was standing in a line
between the landing and the stairs

-

discovery channel on the tv
oh we're wasting our time again
would you please shut the door?
collarbone jungle
i call late but you're not at home again
i know i would like to
take what you want to
cause i don't mind if you don't mind
and all that you want to,
know what you'd like to do,
she said time it passed me by

-

the soap is old the dry is cold and i cannot fold
my socks in knots as the quarters drop and i’m stuck in parking lots
as i listen to the machines go ‘round
the next time i am at the laundromat i’m gonna call my dad
and the next time i call my dad i will apologize
the snack machine is stuck between the tv and magazines
that talk about our self-doubt and the things we can’t live without
as i listen to the machines go ‘round
i’ve been waitin’ after weekend after weekend after

-

the bluest summer skies cloudless in your eyes
a little out of focus here
and the rain belongs to all the tender songs
that i might not ever sing to you
don't be afraid of anything that faces you today
you might not know this but i'm with you all the way
if i could read the lines to find the smile you hide behind
i wonder what encouragement i'd find
if you could only see this photograph of you and me
it's always out of focus in my mind

-

we're all stuck in the middle

we're throwing our cash at books of cliches

they say the cost is little

it might work

but not for me

'cause my soul

is not for sale

just be here now!

i saw no fire

well, can't you see it's better 

to die on your feet than live down on your knees

-

lady, running down to the riptide

taken away to the dark side

i wanna be your left hand man

i love you when you're singing that song

and i got a lump in my throat

'cause you're gonna sing the words wrong

there's this movie that i think you'll like

this guy decides to quit his job and heads to new york city

this cowboy's running from himself

and she's been living on the highest shelf

-

midnight moon i hold you for this perfect night

love is born to linger in your magic light

with that girl beside me and you above

you must also be in love

midnight moon that bathes me

she's got an angel face

meet us here tomorrow night in the very same place

-

there's something in the way i felt before you 

something in the time that wasn't there 

another way to give you what i sold you 

but holding back is more than i can bear 

it's the last time for this past time 

we can't keep on going on, going on, we’re going like this 

it's strange in the room that feels like it's closing in 

strange there's a gloom that only lets darkness in 

remaining calm to show you i am gaining 

every step is doubled by my voice 

fighting you is all that i'm refraining 

and every step i start to lose my choice

i'm sinking from the way i used to listen 

fold my cards and give them all to you 

broken by the way I used to hear it 

i've wasted more than i could give to you

-

the big blue chair
you’re soaking in
eating laughter from a can
and it will stay until we send
i hung on tight
‘cause i thought i loved her
oh my marvel
you suck me in
tell me stories i was to sing
flying dragons in my sleep
tell me stories
i wish you’d speak

-


sandman and you
do what you can
when the dream comes
and we’re all dancing in our own hands
watching yourself do what you want to do
without anyone else in the room
making the taboo taboo
making a taboo out of you
welcome to the spectacle

-

if i could stand to be on my own
then i would probably just leave you alone
but i'm gonna feel this way
till i'm six feet underground
crazy as it sounds
i need you around

-

say he's got a dollar but a dollar won't make you stay
she says ain't got the time for the big boys
all lining up on their thrones
who says daddy's little girl
never likes to be alone

-

tell me your confessions
let me be the ears for all your sins
let me take advantage of your whims
my life is no haven, have a feel
but it's just worth saving, craving
and you will feel appalled as you bare it all,
and i don't even know if i'll be listening
if i could stand it I'd let you believe what you choose
but how can i let you proceed when there's only one view?
simple to state but don't dare implicate that i'm wrong
i'll dish the dirt and i'll show you the door
and if you keep coming i'll tell you to try a little, harder
make a little sadder, all your tales
just enough to feel good without scales
fill my head with things I haven't done
the more the black the better, shelter
and you're my saving grace with your tragic case
live a life, just make sure it's your own one

-

made a little money playing in the bars
with two beat up drums and two old guitars
from the crescent city to the great salt lake
it ain't what you got, it's what you make
when the road got rough and the wheels all broke
couldn't take more then we could tow
making something out of nothing with a scratcher and our hope
with two old guitars like a shovel and a rope

mixtape vi: sfumato

1. wicked blood - sea wolf

2. megan - smoking popes

3. jumanji - glass towers

4. laundromat - bombadil

5. don't be afraid - smoking popes

6. in case of rapture - as tall as lions

7. riptide - vance joy

8. midnight moon - smoking popes

9. going on like this - tully on tully

10. hung on tight - snakadaktal

11. spectacle - anna oxygen

12. need you around - smoking popes

13. dollar - thelma plum

14. accused of stealing - the delgados

15. birmingham - shovels & rope

mixtape v - inside out

chelsea, the audience is waiting

my heart is palpitating

this life was meant for you, and me

chelsea, just gimme one good reason

why we shouldn't be pleasing 

this whole word is our destiny

-

in the chest of the dealer
hammers and smelts a foul charge
as he smooths sour cream
on his moll's pony
and metes her an unholy barrage
oh the living is hard

-

we took six of one
and nothing from the dozen
i guess i'll never need another hand to stay awake
oh, get me right up to the brink
i'll break one way or other
some of the best of us are already home
still singing softly through the stereo
although we tried to make the only amends
now it's just a soundtrack to the end

-

why is there a missing piece in everyone i know?
i never have the right parts to make them work out right
so they go on with their temperamental bags of tricks
such a half-assed mechanic
i can't even fix myself
if you tip it over on its side, crack it open
maybe you will find out what
look at all the wires, how they're twisted
do they make just a little sense to you?
maybe if you're smart you can figure out the problem
and solder it like glue

-

i would rather stay awake
than be asleep
while your shadow is
cheating all these
people behind their back
and you can take what's left in our hands
we can just replace them
with memories of sanities
going through our heads
we'll keep on fighting them off
with rocks and guns and daggers
and energies that flow within our bones
bang bang bang
here comes the end

-

you see this writing on the wall
oh angel, you see this curtain fall
good times seem so far away
just a memory old and grey
there's no one like you
you rip apart the clouds in all my days
others all
fade away
this long highway

-

windmills cut through
the void dividing the imagined and true
the eyes neglect to see what the heart pursues
but my heart finds a dream in these unseen hues
in the untouchable
that's not to say
that i don't feel the limitations and the
drop from the expectation
it's not naive but the heart of creation
it's the only thing proven true to me
when the fire's burning from sky to ground
swing my weight around
begin the windstorm

-

ashes to shingle over chimney fire
where the moonlight mingles with lamplight all the while
we waste our heavy hands
clinging to driveways lifted by a frost
underneath this grand, mass exodus of cars
our heavy hands will rust
and break down into dust
swear to god when we were young
where halflight hit we saw you in the sun
we could see your eyes of stone
when you told us we’d always be alone
pulling my face close to yours
to show me blood, dripping from your pores
if you could bite my face off, you know you would
the stench of something dead
is mixed with perfume that bled
from your limbs onto the hardwood
fighting the dark with the fierceness of a fire
burning ten loose leafs attaching words and wire
with heat and silhouettes
when we find you ashes work to bury you away

-

you used to coddle my stress and my pain
and just for that second our hearts would feel the same

-

i will make you a little paper boat
mmmm it'll always keep but probably never float
i'll fold the sails perfectly straight
i bet the wind won't blow and you'll have to wait
for the current to pick up and push you forward
oh and if my boat won't float i'll make you a paper crane
i think it means good luck in japan
oh, if it flew it would probably crash land
i'm no good with origami...
i will write you a little french poem
bring all your friends because you'll wanna show 'em
i will make sure it's grammatically correct
to read in your head with my french accent

-

and i can see right through your skin
your bones are hollow, they're paper-thin
tonight, you're weightless
i know the way you feel
so try, try lifting all your weight
for a man, a man gone wrong.
and try, try wasting all your days
on a man, a man like me
and my love is a lot like yours
it's been crippled by the wars we wage
we're hopeless
we're on the losing side

-

empty cries and hollow toots
all the signs that have no use
and fingers point accusingly are sinning
humourless hypocrisy
and all the crimes we didn't see
the sigh that knows the devil might be winning
but you're the same as you and i'm the same as me
and hopefully we can find ways to let us be reasonably fine,
reasonably fine, at least to let my music shine
and maybe it's the greatest test
a man's surrounded by his death
but reaches out and tastes the sweetest honey
that's how you make me feel
i love you more than death is real
it's sad but in the end it might be funny

-

distant and vague
every time i try to talk to you
don't know what to say,
tell me what my heart is supposed to do
she won't be happy without love
no one is happy without love
distant and vague,
since the time i saw her in a crowd
she dreams of dreams and dreams,
and one day will be queen
she does not know how much i mean
she must remain a child
she thinks she is so wild
she cannot find her style
and yet, she moves

-

walking down the yellow brick road
you left a clue
crumpled up a photograph
you had with you
giving up the suitcase life
and leaving your wife
there's a tunnel at the end of the light
don't know what to say to you
standing in the windowsill
don't know what to say to you
now you've swallowed your last pill
don't know what to say to you
firing prayers into the night
when everything is alright

-

a potent mix of wonder
ignorance and fear
a place to hide under
a secret place to keep
self-serving answers
paper-thin belief
come bury your soul with me
i know i'd like a conscious life
i don't know how to get there
so keep me right
we're wasting time
i don't know how to get there
stand up and fight for all you've
yet to know
a bloated rich endeavor
unnecessary care
something i should bury
or something i should share?
come listen for doubtful emblems
and you'll find me there

mixtape v: inside out

1. chelsea, lets go join the circus (agent ribbons)

2. song in the key of chance (augie march)

3. soundtrack to the end (communist daughter)

4. half-assed mechanic (loquat)

5. bang bang bang (sahara beck)

6. long highway (the jezabels)

7.windstorm (school of seven bells)

8. halflight (meligrove band)

9. mend (the young art!)

10. paper boat (gossling)

11. a man like me (beulah)

12. reasonably fine (the cat empire)

13. distant and vague (royal headache)

14. crashing the afterglow (versus)

15. conscious life for coma boy (aereogramme)

or listen on spotify here.

mixtape i - in a deep river

immerse my underlying message
one for all of her and one for him
open up let's play our part in this
terms are yours to use them as you wish
don't you love it when the rain
falls down upon your face
like sleeping on a train
when there's nothing else at stake
i'm leaving when a song, burns, tears my soul apart
but I'll never leave you stranded
with your broken down heart

-

i think that you're the older brother
that i never had
i wish i could reach out and touch you
don't worry, i'm not sad
i know you're just where you want to be
and everyone's a hundred grand
save some space for me
and say hello to your dad

-

but somebody told me
that your mother was born
oh, a wandering woman with a spirit
so sworn of the riverside
and it never surprised me
but it meant that my love was immobilized
well, it meant that my love was immobilized
cause when it comes, it comes when it does.
but you came in the middle
and you fell in my hands
oh a, wonderful woman and an average man.
See that makes me the lucky man
i won't be deserving, but i won't be denied
see, i fell in this position, i'll still teach my kids pride
because failure's a part of it all
and if failure don't hurt
then failure don't work no more

-

sorrow found me when i was young
sorrow waited, sorrow won
sorrow that put me on the pills
it's in my honey it's in my milk
don't leave my half-burned heart alone
on the water
cover me in rag-and-bone sympathy
'cause i don't wanna get over you
i don't wanna get over you

-

cheer up my brother
it's going to be alright
i know your hearts are heavy as mountains
but were going to go back home one day
wore my dress up to my knees
there's ghosts of babies in the streams

-

i was speaking soft
see the pain in your eyes
i've been feeling for you, my love
and our bodies are tired
our shadows will dance
i've been aching for you, my love
and my love is wasted
sorry for this i never meant to be
hurting ourselves
and i'm complicated
you won't get me out of trouble
understanding myself
my head is a jungle

-

you're the color
you're the movement and the spin
(never)
could it stay with me the whole day long
fail with consequence
lose with eloquence
and smile
i'm not in this movie
i'm not in this song
never leave me paralyzed, love
leave me hypnotized, love

-

i'd like to know completely
what others so discreetly
talk about when they leave me
not that I notice when they're gone
it's eerie and so scary
i don't know who to marry
your sister came to bait me
but i love it when you blink your eyes
oh i
i want to know my body
i want this out not in me
i want to know no secrets yet
i'll leave
oh i'll leave care
it's saved me once too often

-

i killed a love that i could see through
out of my head and i went too far
i never said that i could save you
from the dark
i've been trying to maintain
but it's always in vain
and i'm already gone
don't wanna cry for the dead things
don't wanna open up the wounds that never heal
i found a space between
for all those memories
out in the black
where they keep me company

-

surely don't stay long, i'm missing you now
it's like i told you I'm over you somehow
before i close the door, i need to hear you say goodbye
baby won't you change your mind?
i guess that hasn't changed someone
maybe nobody else could understand
but just before i see that you leave
i want you to hold
all the things that you said
baby, i wish i was dead

-

i could see myself living in the ocean
with nothing new to say
i've got a grievance with devotion
no matter where i sleep
i could see myself happy in my old age
with no one around to save
and no one above my grave
every day i spin the globe and think of life somewhere else
this is a necessary evil that i found in myself
i could see myself cursing at the ocean
with nothing new to say

-

when the iron is cold and the binding holds fast onto you
when i listen for the footsteps
that nearly knock me down in the room
the tower is gone, you say
but how well can you really see?
oh you'll find it by and by
in a heartbeat you'll be free
and you will
run run run run run run run run run
keep running back to me
oh the both of our heads
you've been searching to find a way through
but there's nothing that i want
more than a reason to be following you
when you bring up the matches
just remember that i own them all too
if a lie won't go too deep
in a heartbeat you'll be free
and you will
run run run run run run run run run
keep running back to me

-

slept on the beach in barcelona
all by myself
they stole my stuff they took my camera
i had no pictures to tell
i didn't care because i was flying
like a bird in outer space
i was young and dumb and stronger
you could tell if you touched my face
yes, i could name a few times and i
i would call them good times, but the
sad thing about good times i that you
only know them when they
wash away

-

i woke this morning deep in the earth
laying bare with the granite and the moths
up i clambered and i was met by the sun
it was then i saw you there, down on the street
you've come such a long way
with no one to comfort you
or to tell you you're needed
you and i come from the same place
but if i were to come for you
what's there left to believe in?

tracks

1. underlying message - busby marou
2. older brother - pepper rabbit
3. big man - boy & bear
4. (instrumental) hug the piano - emma pollock
5. sorrow - the national
6. mountains - sparklehorse
7. jungle - emma louise
8. consequence - the notwist
9. distortions - clinic
10. out in the black - imaad wasif
11. halah - mazzy star
12. cassandra - paper rival
13. run - basia bulat
14. barcelona - tinpan orange
15. calliope! - the veils

price

t-boned in blood & guts

on a tuesday afternoon

the five car pile-up of

an unsuspecting song.

background music turned

rogue wave, swept

everything into my head &

out of my eyes & i

sit here reeling, while

the tide retreats 

in a whitewash over

my face, or fortitude.

until tasks before & after

feel grain-of-sand significant.

i’m bone bleached & stuck

with seafoam, salt;

hung between eternity:

mirrors of sea reflecting sky,

reflecting sea, reflecting

sky & all my

rough edges bashed

smooth in sound

or waves or both.