shuffa shuffa shuffellatio

if you dare, look up and see what's there
level your eyes with some surprise
at the truths realized
now you care and you will climb for air
with some relief you've found your peace
are you taking us there?
some cold comfort is waiting somewhere
stand out now we can see we've been found out
how can this be we've been hoping and praying
there's one life worth saving
cold out happy to be here without doubt
too much to see here it's not too late
trust in us, if you can trust in us
follow the lead for hearts that bleed
we're a difficult breed
once you've found no longer gagged and bound
whisper to me i think i'm free
and the world will turn round
in between us there are colours
but they're hidden from view
in between us there is silence
but it's breaking for you
some cold comfort will tell us what's true
hold out my own reflection
i've found out less than perfection
i'm hoping and praying
there's one life worth saving
cold out happy to be here without doubt
too much to see here
i'm hoping and praying there's one life worth saving
it's not too late
never look at the sun - the delgados




i don't worry anymore
nothing like i did before
i don't worry, i just watch them rolling back
i don't worry anymore
cause it's alright, alright to see a ghost
and i wanna see 'em go down in the river where they go
and i wanna see 'em rolling, rolling back
and i wanna see 'em go
cause it's alright, alright to see your ghost
i'm gonna run to the river
kiss my hand and wait
gonna run to the river
gonna throw a blue bouquet
cause they're gonna be cool happy genius heroes
i'm gonna miss 'em so much
i will settle in and dream
of a slow and funny scene
i will settle in and watch 'em rolling back
i will settle in and dream
santa clara - the national



sweet memory
talking 'bout a sweet memory
it goes round and round in my head
pretty soon i'll want the real thing instead
but for now i got this sweet memory
sunny day, sunny day
not a cloud crosses the sky
not a tear comes to my eye
on this sunny day
sweet memory
sweet memory - as sung by melody gardot




a heart is so easy to keep
when i think of the curious look in yours eyes and impossible
oh, only you could really know
i'll never let a little secret go
all of the times you were near i forgot to say
i'm an unbeliever, but i'll pray to you every day
if it would make your eyes forever stay that way
if it would make you want to stay with me
all the times you've been far away, wondering
i've been uncovering words i've been waiting to say to you
oh, only you could really know
i'll never let a little secret go
a secret - basia bulat




give you my lovin' seven days a week
i'll be your honey if you'll be sweet
i know that i'm the only one for you
i know that you think this is not true
man says it's rainin', rainin' outside
i'll be out there in a little while
cause you see, rain reminds me of you
and everything has turned to you
see you in places, i'm followin' you
you'll be upstairs, and i'll be there too
everywhere you go i will follow
i know it won't be the same tomorrow
people give me warnings, stay away from you
they say you'll hurt me, i don't think that's true
discomfort arouses when i speak of you
as if you been sayin' something bad about me
when i see you i wanna kiss you
but i know that ain't right so i'd ask if i can hold you
oh babe, i need you so bad
oh babe, i only wanna make you glad
give me your lovin - mazzy star

You said it was night inside my heart. It was. You said it should tear a kid apart. It does. I didn't want to be your ghost. I didn't want to be anyone's ghost.

worrisome heart - melody gardot

I need a hand with my worrisome heart
I need a hand with my worrisome heart
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am
With this here worrisome heart

I need a break from my troubling ways
I need a break from my troubling ways
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am
With all my troubling ways

I need a man who got no baggage to claim
I need a man who got no baggage to claim
I would be lucky to find me a man
Who could love me the way that I am

A worrisome troubling baggage free modern day dame,
a worrisome troubling baggage free modern day dame
Ain't no body the same

peaks and troughs

some days. some weeks, some months. i just can't write. can't think of anything to write, or have too much to write about and am deciding to bottle it up. or i do write it and i go, wow, i can't admit this is me. i can't post this. an 8 year-old can't post this. so i don't.

but damn, it's slow this morning, and i had such a bad night last night. i should have just gotten on here and typed it all out, but i didn't. i fell asleep with my little ipod & speakers playing on one of the pillows next to me, and when i woke up, that camera obscura song was playing (the one below) and then it just made me feel kind of crummy, especially pertaining to some of the discussions that i had with people yesterday.

i dunno how or why i do it, really. i don't understand what it is. perhaps it's just because i feel less restrained around here, or in writing, or online or whatever, than i do in person here in stupid utah, where restraint is the order of the day. everyone's bottled up. everyone's only doing whatever they do so that everyone else can see that they're being good people, good mormons.

so i have a bottle. and sometimes i use it. i have to around here, around people who can't take or handle or not condemn the unrestrained, passionate me. and i wind up feeling so goddamn solitary, single, singled-out, lonely to the point of pain... and at the same time, i can reach my arms around the globe and gather in hordes of people who respond to me, who prefer me in a tall glass, and not a bottle. who want to take me off the shelf and let me do my thing.

fuck, i'm so tired of the far, far away.

gotta get me some getupandgo.

other towns and cities

drinkin' whiskey reminds me of you
you're the first in ages to have gotten through
i know you mean well,
yes i know that you do
but sooner or later you're gonna break me in two

were my pupils dilated, could you tell that i liked you?
we were so unlikely
you flirt with an ex, put me to the test
oh and still i wanna tell you that i love you the best

we turned the radiators on and there was no way back
did you know you had the plough star trail on your back?
your voice is quiet but i need it loud
in the night you went up
and in the morning you went down

it's like you to forbid me to say goodnight
i had your brown eyes and limbs
on me through the night
these words are weak and to your dislike
but you'll never believe them so i guess it's alright

do you like the view i show you?
oh i say look at the light
do you still miss the way that i hold you?
mmm... in other towns and cities
who's holding you tonight?

the dresses came out of the bag, then the tears came
and drinking's never been the same again
i shared your troubles
i shared your weight
i lost it with you today

oh we don't share a birthday but we do share a sign
and we shared something or was it in my mind?
there was talk of love
and how i need it back
i'd be better for you than that last love of mine

do you like the view i show you?
i say look at the light
do you still miss the way that i hold you?
oh, in other towns and cities
who's holding you tonight?

you're in another town and city
you mean nothing to me tonight








-by camera obscura

monday mornin' music tarot shuffle, the v-day edition

that's right, bitches.

show your age - the end of the world

throw - lcd soundsystem

one step inside doesn't mean you'll understand - the notwist

light of day - joan jett

stephanie visite appart - the science of sleep soundtrack

valentines from postsecret

these hit home today, for me. happy veve.

tigress

it's difficult not to worry
about what happens next

certain looks
sort out confused looks

certain looks
sport confused looks

i watched us talking
in the mirror
and you put on that look
that says this little star
wishes she weren't single

it is the eye that catches me

a man protesting his worth

it is the air that catches you

putting the shake on your words

you are alert as a tigress
at a common table with her fate

you can almost taste it

we'll be gone by morning,
or be together by then 

and i believe every woman
has made up her mind to win

from Tenth Vertical Poetry

by Roberto Juarroz

Any movement kills something.

It kills the place that is abandoned,
the gesture, the unrepeatable position,
some anonymous organism,
a sign, a glance,
a love that returned,
a presence or its contrary,
the life always of someone else,
one's own life without others. 

And being here is moving,
being here is killing something.
Even the dead move,
even the dead kill.
Here the air smells of crime. 

But the odor comes from farther away.
And even the odor moves.

translated from Spanish by Mary Crow

with a capital "troub."

someday we'll be lions
fur matted with the proof of
activity and struggle.
caked with blood and mud
and effort - regardless of success
or failure.


someday i will wake up
shake my mane free
of the settling in darkness,
rise to prowl
the lines between sun and grass,
the sweet stagnant oven of 
savanna, and stretch...
prepare for instinct
and the sharp blows of hunger.


i will thirst and crave
hunt devour
and in the light pad of my treads
and the roll of my shoulderblades


you will prey. 


my toes are poking out from the bubbles. i always have to stick my feet out. in bed, in the bath, in the car...

is there a biological reason for it, do you think? some primeval need to see my feet so i know i'll be able to run, if i have to? i wonder these things.

i forgot to do my morning music tarot shuffle reading for the week. it turned out to be my monday evening music tarot shuffle instead.

i was distracted, it's a valid excuse.

as valid as excuses can be, i suppose.

besides, god knows i was desperate for some distraction. i seem to be quite adept at finding it in all the places i least expect, though.

oh, the delicate dance of untangling and trying to straighten the knots that i seem to be so incapable of learning to do.

will i always be this knotty mess?

i hope not. but we all know i'll be the last to ask for some help untying.

do you ever tire of the frantic pace of a leapfrog heart? i do. i just want the game to be over. to collapse into the shade and feel my toes in long, cool grass.

my knees are getting weak
i don't want to take that leap
but i could grab
those shoulders,
get my legs in the air
and end up
over your head and
too far ahead...

and i'm still talking about leapfrog, right? right. it was a good metaphor.

i liked where it went.

i blame the cinnamon.

and the bubbles. mmm.... bubbles.

monday (evening) music shuffle

since i forgot this morning! aah! then a real post after this.

i won't believe every lie
just 'cause you said you're mine.
i won't believe that your heart's
been cheating from the start.
i won't believe it's just a game.
i won't believe it's just the same... again.
i won't believe you could be far away
but staying on my mind.
i've to believe, at last, there won't be
anything that's left behind.
my friend,
i understand that you just saw
the signs, but not their sense,
and laid your trust in me.
i won't believe.
i won't believe that you will be there at all.
you know that i believe this is what a friend is for.
i said i won't believe, but then,
i understand that you could see
the signs but not their sense.
so don't lay your trust in me,
i won't believe.
i won't believe - wolfsheim


he's all i know and i know he needs me.
lips are a shore, through a mouth into sea.
cause it makes no sense to walk in the dark
again and again, so i push the heart.
it's alright, though. i could let go.
with just one breath i could wait there under water
until the moment i release into air.
he's all i have, all i have in my mind.
wings are a path on a back into sky.
then you circle above just to frame the view.
and it makes no sense, but it's clear to you.
it's alright, though. i could let go with just one breath.
i could wait under water until the moment i release into air.
just one breath - devics


i am a bird girl now.
i've got my heart here in my hands, now.
i've been searching for my wings some time.
i'm gonna be born into soon the sky.
'cause i'm a bird girl and the bird girls go to heaven.
and the bird girls can fly.
bird girls can fly.
bird gehrl - antony & the johnsons

gouge away, you can gouge away
stay all day if you want to
missy aggravation
some sacred questions
you stroke my locks
some marijuana if you got some
gouge away, you can gouge away
stay all day if you want to
sleeping on your belly
you break my arms
you spoon my eyes
been rubbing a bad charm with holy fingers
gouge away, you can gouge away
stay all day if you want to
chained to the pillars, a three-day party
i break the walls and kill us all with holy fingers
gouge away, you can gouge away
stay all day if you want to
gouge away - pixies


i thought it was the only time
you could say to me that this feels right.
leave me out.
i feared the worst, i missed my chance.
you've been and gone and took my heart,
all my love.
not strong enough i might just break
cause i wanted you, make no mistake
where i fall.
please don't look at me, i'm in such a mess
i will beat your love out of my chest
i just want peace
i just want peace and quiet in my head,
i can't find it in the bars or in my bed
if you like i'll take your number from my phone
and lock the doors and turn the lights off
in my home
where i fall - the reindeer section

Davids

There is nothing wrong with having a crush on Bernini's David. I'd be way more worried if I'd said Donatello's.

See:

Bernini's David

Donatello's David

weak sister ii

weak sister
put on your nightgown
walk out west
and watch the valley drink
the sun down

if nothing is changing
then nothing is breaking
make your way to bed

weak sister
have sweet dreams
throwing things and parts
at parts of things
at no one

if nothing's breaking
you're not changing
so please just stay in bed

you want this
to need that
you're better off alone

you don't need this
to want that
you're better off unknown

weak sister
take off your nightgown
get in the water
wash off all the nightmares

where everything is changing
nothing is breaking
you can't sit still

all we are is incomplete
waiting for a chance
to wait forever

you are responsible

you want this
to need that
you're better off alone

you need this
to want that
you're better off unknown
you're better off alone
you're better off unknown

weak sister
close your eyes
lay your burdens down
and fall asleep
life starts again tomorrow

if nothing is changing
nothing is breaking

nothing is changing
nothing is breaking

you want this
to need that
you need this
to want that

you're better off unknown
you're better off alone

you're better off alone

you're better off unknown

weak sister

an edge tingles
when you inch
forward.

you want to
curl your toes
around it,

to feel
like you're still
hanging on,

like there's something
that can catch you

if you fall.

ch-ch-changes

It is 20 degrees here today, and I am freeeezing. At least I don't work outside. It could be worse. I could be the UPS guy. I feel bad for him when the weather is sucky.

Reconnecting with old friends this week, it has been far too long, and I forgot how much I loved these people. It's nice to be back in communicado, to find out what they've been up to the last few years. I feel like such a different person since the last time I spoke to them, so much has changed, but plenty enough has stayed the same, I suppose.

I definitely listen to better music now. And I'm far more comfortable in my own skin than I was at 19 and 20. I may not have a degree or a husband or a house or kids, but that self...acceptance is a big change and is worth more to me right now than any of those things.

It's so fascinating to me, the circumstances and cycles that life and experience move in. How, in some strange providential or cosmic ruling of chance you can feel completely alone and cutoff and life hands you or pulls you to the things you need in a desperate moment to keep your head above water... you get nudged just over the top of the hill when you didn't think you'd ever see past that obstacle right in front of you.

Still, I wish there had been more adventure, more assertion and boldness and daring, in all the meantime. I wish I had better things to show for all that's elapsed than just... me. Oh, I am still as flawed and stubborn and hopeless as ever, but today is tinted in optimism and there is a smile on my face.

I have accepted myself, that was a good lesson to learn. Now I just need to accept that I have control.