some days. some weeks, some months. i just can't write. can't think of anything to write, or have too much to write about and am deciding to bottle it up. or i do write it and i go, wow, i can't admit this is me. i can't post this. an 8 year-old can't post this. so i don't.
but damn, it's slow this morning, and i had such a bad night last night. i should have just gotten on here and typed it all out, but i didn't. i fell asleep with my little ipod & speakers playing on one of the pillows next to me, and when i woke up, that camera obscura song was playing (the one below) and then it just made me feel kind of crummy, especially pertaining to some of the discussions that i had with people yesterday.
i dunno how or why i do it, really. i don't understand what it is. perhaps it's just because i feel less restrained around here, or in writing, or online or whatever, than i do in person here in stupid utah, where restraint is the order of the day. everyone's bottled up. everyone's only doing whatever they do so that everyone else can see that they're being good people, good mormons.
so i have a bottle. and sometimes i use it. i have to around here, around people who can't take or handle or not condemn the unrestrained, passionate me. and i wind up feeling so goddamn solitary, single, singled-out, lonely to the point of pain... and at the same time, i can reach my arms around the globe and gather in hordes of people who respond to me, who prefer me in a tall glass, and not a bottle. who want to take me off the shelf and let me do my thing.
fuck, i'm so tired of the far, far away.
gotta get me some getupandgo.
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