lightning has not
happened for a
while i can't keep
aching since
when does it have
to be so hard she's
everything you need
when you are feeling
down this has got to
stop this game i
know that i can't
change your mind
but i'll try sparkling
stars may as well
be dancing & my
dreams of you are
shattered under-
neath the light
of the same moon
cold when morning
comes to take
you & the time we
had is over it's
got to stop i know
floating around
in deception bay
hold me down
as i get closer i'll
just drift away
further now
too many winning
here to pass loss
to my fear 'cause
everything i'm
hearing sounds too
good to be true
another one is
approaching near
words i want are
getting clear i'll
stand aside &
probably let this
one through
what would you
do if it all came
back to you each
crest of each
wave bright as
lightning what
would you say if
you had to leave
today leave
everything behind
even though the
words are shining
you realize it's
just a whim & you
notice it matters
who & what you
let under your skin
would you hold
everything back all
emotions & desires
convince
yourself there is
someone else
& hold back from
the world your lack
of confidence
what you choose
to believe takes
you as you fall
days look back
through your dark
corners step back
from the
line of fire
want to be the
voice to your
favorite song if i
can give you all
my love would you
still ask for more
would you let
me go my
own way let
me know if i'm
too far away
would you still
dance with me
if you could get
my heart for free
hadn't spoken in
days i was smoking in
silence here we
go for another
round the light it
remained
in the sky the
lightning barely
went by we would
talk of being ready
the promise of barely
remains & i wager
you'll come back
around an idea
more than just
to be found in an
age where we're
all coming down
can you feel the
lightning covering
your skin its
a nightmare 'cause
you're on fire
i'm having
visions infinite
visions the same
ones as you i try
not to worry but i
always worry till
all i can do
is wish we could
change it to
before we
changed it &
oceans have all
been dried up
& left they became
the skies & then
they all wept
you tell yourself
you'd walk away
if things went bad
if things change
but i know you
you can't see straight
i'm gonna hold
you in the middle
of the night
as the weeks
fade away i
still believe what
your eyes say i
still see you
illuminate as i
drop my guard
didn't think i'd
ever know where
your body ends time
slows for the last
breath while
everything
is shattering
start telling me
you'll meet me
there i won't make it
keep you too long
through the long
shadow we can't
see the road so
stop fearing you
won't be the one
can you just
let us grow you
won't let us grow
songs:
but i'll try by ainslie wills
deception bay by boo seeka
line of fire by junip
my own way by kita alexander
coming down by buchanan
feel the lightning by dan deacon
middle of the night by vinyl thief
illuminate by the kite string tangle & dustin tebbutt
Thursday, October 15, 2015
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
timed morning improv
i have 15 minutes
to find a poem in
slept 1 hour last
night to keep nightmares
away, a week
they've haunted
me & my head now
my bed's comfort
suddenly discomfitting
here i am, awake
wading into 8 hours
of a work day
in my hour
of sleep i dreamt
i worked in
my own little office
no cubicle no more
& i got calls from
actual wankers
not figurative ones
i had a short gold
blonde undercut gold
fingernails gold
eyeliner &
no top on but i
tried to find one
i have 5 minutes
to finish this poem
i don't know what
any of this means if
it actually means
things & isn't just
a collage of cut images
my hair is getting
too long now, turning
silver instead of gold
i have grey fingernails
black eyeliner &
i am still afraid
of the dark.
to find a poem in
slept 1 hour last
night to keep nightmares
away, a week
they've haunted
me & my head now
my bed's comfort
suddenly discomfitting
here i am, awake
wading into 8 hours
of a work day
in my hour
of sleep i dreamt
i worked in
my own little office
no cubicle no more
& i got calls from
actual wankers
not figurative ones
i had a short gold
blonde undercut gold
fingernails gold
eyeliner &
no top on but i
tried to find one
i have 5 minutes
to finish this poem
i don't know what
any of this means if
it actually means
things & isn't just
a collage of cut images
my hair is getting
too long now, turning
silver instead of gold
i have grey fingernails
black eyeliner &
i am still afraid
of the dark.
Saturday, October 10, 2015
nightmares
It's been a while since I had a dream I could remember. I must have had a bad one, because my sister woke me up last night to see if I was ok. I was calling out and crying, so much that she was scared. And when she woke me up, I couldn't remember why.
I fell back asleep had a series of dreams where I was responsible for things, children, possessions, that didn't actually belong to me, but that I cared about, That were... not important, important is the wrong word...precious? Precious, maybe.
A friend's baby from a bad birth. She was bleeding out and handed the baby to me as they wheeled her away to surgery. How could I take care of this? How could I keep it safe until she came back? I cradled it, called for help, regretted calling for help... a doctor from a competing hospital came, tried to take her away, saying he had to, he was the only one who could fix the baby's heart. I couldn't move as he left with her. Numb and panicking. Helpless. Distraught. Then her family finally showed up, and I couldn't speak to them because they only spoke Spanish. This huge barrier to understanding and communication as I struggled to tell them my friend was in surgery, there was a lot of blood, it was bad. Desperate. I watched their faces, as I tried to tell them. The confusion, horror, desperation. They wanted to know where the baby was. A doctor, I wept, a doctor from another hospital took her. I couldn't stop him. I just needed my friend and the baby back. I needed to fix it. I needed everyone to be happy. I needed to put it all back together again.
I panicked and wandered blindly out into the street, which was a church parking lot. I climbed tall steel rafters, in tow: a small Sunday school class of 5 young boys. Not mine, but, again...precious...and I was responsible for them. We were supposed to go to a certain room and wait for something. It was like herding cats. We were up like twelve stories. The room was unfinished, a wall missing on the side. Steel girders and beams criss-crossed the walls, the floor. I was trying to stay back from the open ledge, paralyzed by my fear of heights. The of the boys kept playing by it. One in particular kept hanging into a framing beam that went from the floor to the ceiling, and was spinning around it, out over the giant open drop. I was holding the other boys close to me. Pleading for him to stop and come back and wait. Trying to tell him how scared I was that he would fall, that we would all fall. That something horrible would happen. He swung around again, laughing. I lunged for him, but his hand slipped and he was falling. I had failed
I was in someone's basement. Well, not really a basement. The ground floor of a split level house. I went to open the door to a room, and realized I was in heels. But not just... normal... heels. Silver fetish heels. There were people upstairs who weren't supposed to know I was there. One hand was on the doorknob. The other was closed around something. I looked down at what it was. A silver riding crop. I was in black lingerie. I opened the door. The room was dark. A giant bed was in the middle of the room, but it was covered in all sorts of things that don't go on a bed, stacks of books and a trunk. A chest of drawers. Boxes of puzzles and games. Sealed boxes. I heard a low laugh and a hand grabbed at me in the dark. Slapped me. I turned and bit at the arm. There was no face, it was too dark, despite being able to see the things on the bed. I only saw parts of his body. Arms that pulled, clung, wandered, locked tight. I whipped him. He laughed, whimpered, enjoyed it, cried for more. I was weeping. I felt sick. But he wanted it and he mattered too much to say no. I was chased from the room by someone else, someone who was really going to hurt him. I was clawing at them, kicking, screaming to get back, to get in the way of him and the hurt. I was thrown to the ground, my ankles twisting in those stupid shoes. The door slammed in my face. I could hear him whimpering, pleading with whoever was behind the door now to stop. I banged my head against it. Pounded. Screamed. I had to stop what was happening. My legs wouldn't work. I was screaming. He started screaming. I was frantic and immeasurably upset, guilty, regret momentarily drowned out by panic and terror at what was happening behind the door.
I woke up.
I fell back asleep had a series of dreams where I was responsible for things, children, possessions, that didn't actually belong to me, but that I cared about, That were... not important, important is the wrong word...precious? Precious, maybe.
A friend's baby from a bad birth. She was bleeding out and handed the baby to me as they wheeled her away to surgery. How could I take care of this? How could I keep it safe until she came back? I cradled it, called for help, regretted calling for help... a doctor from a competing hospital came, tried to take her away, saying he had to, he was the only one who could fix the baby's heart. I couldn't move as he left with her. Numb and panicking. Helpless. Distraught. Then her family finally showed up, and I couldn't speak to them because they only spoke Spanish. This huge barrier to understanding and communication as I struggled to tell them my friend was in surgery, there was a lot of blood, it was bad. Desperate. I watched their faces, as I tried to tell them. The confusion, horror, desperation. They wanted to know where the baby was. A doctor, I wept, a doctor from another hospital took her. I couldn't stop him. I just needed my friend and the baby back. I needed to fix it. I needed everyone to be happy. I needed to put it all back together again.
I panicked and wandered blindly out into the street, which was a church parking lot. I climbed tall steel rafters, in tow: a small Sunday school class of 5 young boys. Not mine, but, again...precious...and I was responsible for them. We were supposed to go to a certain room and wait for something. It was like herding cats. We were up like twelve stories. The room was unfinished, a wall missing on the side. Steel girders and beams criss-crossed the walls, the floor. I was trying to stay back from the open ledge, paralyzed by my fear of heights. The of the boys kept playing by it. One in particular kept hanging into a framing beam that went from the floor to the ceiling, and was spinning around it, out over the giant open drop. I was holding the other boys close to me. Pleading for him to stop and come back and wait. Trying to tell him how scared I was that he would fall, that we would all fall. That something horrible would happen. He swung around again, laughing. I lunged for him, but his hand slipped and he was falling. I had failed
I was in someone's basement. Well, not really a basement. The ground floor of a split level house. I went to open the door to a room, and realized I was in heels. But not just... normal... heels. Silver fetish heels. There were people upstairs who weren't supposed to know I was there. One hand was on the doorknob. The other was closed around something. I looked down at what it was. A silver riding crop. I was in black lingerie. I opened the door. The room was dark. A giant bed was in the middle of the room, but it was covered in all sorts of things that don't go on a bed, stacks of books and a trunk. A chest of drawers. Boxes of puzzles and games. Sealed boxes. I heard a low laugh and a hand grabbed at me in the dark. Slapped me. I turned and bit at the arm. There was no face, it was too dark, despite being able to see the things on the bed. I only saw parts of his body. Arms that pulled, clung, wandered, locked tight. I whipped him. He laughed, whimpered, enjoyed it, cried for more. I was weeping. I felt sick. But he wanted it and he mattered too much to say no. I was chased from the room by someone else, someone who was really going to hurt him. I was clawing at them, kicking, screaming to get back, to get in the way of him and the hurt. I was thrown to the ground, my ankles twisting in those stupid shoes. The door slammed in my face. I could hear him whimpering, pleading with whoever was behind the door now to stop. I banged my head against it. Pounded. Screamed. I had to stop what was happening. My legs wouldn't work. I was screaming. He started screaming. I was frantic and immeasurably upset, guilty, regret momentarily drowned out by panic and terror at what was happening behind the door.
I woke up.
Wednesday, October 07, 2015
too red
sometimes he takes me
too far back
& i'm forced to
wade through regret
shame silence guilt
stupidity
silly me
he'll resurface
just long enough
to pull me back in
& i drown in all my
obligations, all
my inanities &
real things i have
& haven't
done
why do i revisit
this labyrinth & think
i can ever find myself
or find the him i
left behind & still
look for on long nights
god damn internet
instant access to
insecurity &
idiotsyncracies
i've crawled into
a sparklehorsehole
to write this because
it is noise & comfort
& a self he doesn't
make me hate
for all the nothings
i have been
or am being
it was more
space than i
could handle
this time, the tide
is too far out
global warming
or some shit
made it so it
can't come back to
that line
that life
i got
old somewhere
along the way
been thinking
in lines too straight
for too long
& i don't have
time to be anything
besides what
everyone but he
needs me to be
he only ever
comes back to
open all the wounds
of what i've not done
& leaves too soon
leaves me
bleeding lonely
like it's actually
lifeblood these days
i had just circled
back to a little poetry
& felt pleased
with myself
now i'm only
undone, riled
naked with the ends
of what once was
a sweater
in my hand
trying to sew
my mouth shut
so i stop saying
so much to him
so much except
the everything i
could've would've should've
said
if only i'dn'ta...
up a rabbit hole
reading under a tree
alice grew up
got a job
got debt &
pretty sure they
paved over the way
back to wonderland
no rowed back
to someday isle
the nots in my stomach
keep saying so
too far back
& i'm forced to
wade through regret
shame silence guilt
stupidity
silly me
he'll resurface
just long enough
to pull me back in
& i drown in all my
obligations, all
my inanities &
real things i have
& haven't
done
why do i revisit
this labyrinth & think
i can ever find myself
or find the him i
left behind & still
look for on long nights
god damn internet
instant access to
insecurity &
idiotsyncracies
i've crawled into
a sparklehorsehole
to write this because
it is noise & comfort
& a self he doesn't
make me hate
for all the nothings
i have been
or am being
it was more
space than i
could handle
this time, the tide
is too far out
global warming
or some shit
made it so it
can't come back to
that line
that life
i got
old somewhere
along the way
been thinking
in lines too straight
for too long
& i don't have
time to be anything
besides what
everyone but he
needs me to be
he only ever
comes back to
open all the wounds
of what i've not done
& leaves too soon
leaves me
bleeding lonely
like it's actually
lifeblood these days
i had just circled
back to a little poetry
& felt pleased
with myself
now i'm only
undone, riled
naked with the ends
of what once was
a sweater
in my hand
trying to sew
my mouth shut
so i stop saying
so much to him
so much except
the everything i
could've would've should've
said
if only i'dn'ta...
up a rabbit hole
reading under a tree
alice grew up
got a job
got debt &
pretty sure they
paved over the way
back to wonderland
no rowed back
to someday isle
the nots in my stomach
keep saying so
Tuesday, October 06, 2015
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