too red

sometimes he takes me
too far back
& i'm forced to
wade through regret
shame silence guilt
stupidity
silly me

he'll resurface
just long enough
to pull me back in
& i drown in all my
obligations, all
my inanities &
real things i have
& haven't
done

why do i revisit
this labyrinth & think
i can ever find myself
or find the him i
left behind & still
look for on long nights

god damn internet
instant access to
insecurity &
idiotsyncracies

i've crawled into
a sparklehorsehole
to write this because
it is noise & comfort
& a self he doesn't
make me hate

for all the nothings
i have been
or am being

it was more
space than i
could handle
this time, the tide
is too far out

global warming
or some shit
made it so it
can't come back to
that line
that life

i got
old somewhere
along the way
been thinking
in lines too straight
for too long

& i don't have
time to be anything
besides what
everyone but he
needs me to be

he only ever
comes back to
open all the wounds
of what i've not done
& leaves too soon
leaves me
bleeding lonely
like it's actually
lifeblood these days

i had just circled
back to a little poetry
& felt pleased
with myself

now i'm only
undone, riled

naked with the ends
of what once was
a sweater
in my hand

trying to sew
my mouth shut
so i stop saying
so much to him
so much except
the everything i
could've would've should've
said

if only i'dn'ta...

up a rabbit hole
reading under a tree
alice grew up
got a job
got debt &
pretty sure they
paved over the way
back to wonderland

no rowed back
to someday isle

the nots in my stomach
keep saying so