just ash

this is only
a smoke trail &
long-licked sky
burns far ahead.

watch how flame
curls on the edge
of all that comes
first.

sun gleam
weaves a liquid gold
line & cartographs
clouds or
progression or
progress through clouds.

like violet mountains
bite into sky,
snaggletoothed
through everything
insubstantial & just
insist on their space,
daring anyone bolder
to claim it.

you can climb
a mountain if you
must, but
can you move
a mountain out of
need?

until all its height,
heft, substance
& stubbornness
sit beneath the very
balls of your tiny,
tired feet.

because sometimes
faith is there
to move you
up the mountain, or
to move the mountain
beneath your work
& willfulness.

i just want
to peel these
peals of laughter
from the sides
of this ribcage
set them free like
so many birds
from this mountaintop.

watch what’s most
me, but not me,
climb higher if i
let it go, if i
don’t have to worry
about hanging on.

echoes of all
my inside selves
reverberate from
canyon walls, skip
across the tops of
douglas firs & shake
all the little aspen
leaves.

coyote chased
me up a mountain
to make me
love it, to make
me stop faulting
it from so far away.

the belly of the valley
is for low-slung
spirits who
neglect their wings &
the proud vault of
a howl flung moonward.

coyote snapped
at my ankles, tore
my achilles until i
learned to run
without it, until
hurt and impossibility
became new legs
i climbed into &
made work for me.

coyote bit
the flesh from my
back until all i saw
was spine & i
found a backbone
to build a new
body, or a new
being in the body
i already had.

coyote laughed
& i recoiled, until
the hiss & hackles i
raised became
breath through sharp
teeth & matted blond
fur that smelled
like leaves &
late october.

Compliment

  "Oh get OVER yourself. You want to know what the main factor was in all of this? Why I even agreed to go out with you? Because you liked me. That's it! Honestly! Like going out with you was some ridiculous obligation because you said I was cute and funny and you wanted to. That's how it is with every boy who comes along and asks me that. So yes, that's fair, I am psychotic. You're totally right. Psychotic for thinking that I'd be happy when the only reason I said yes was because of some irrationally screwed up sense of gratitude for your compliment of liking me! I dated you because you were the only available option, and because I just wanted to be nice and pay you back for your attention!"

The spatula hit the wall behind him. I wasn't even aiming anymore. I was just throwing things to distract myself from crying. Since I only cry when I'm mad, and I was furious. He jerked his head around anyway, even though it had missed him by a good two feet.
     
...Of a beautiful calm. Can you see this disguise fade into a resolve? The stereo was blaring still from the bedroom.
     
"Bullshit. BullSHIT, woman!" He put on his overdone, affected falsetto imitation of me, "Ohhh... you're so gorgeous... it's amazing... you look just like the picture of my ideal man that I made up in high school. So don't, JUST DON'T give me any other line. Throwing out lies like you're throwing those fucking utensils that aren't landing in the right places either. I'm glad you agree you're crazy! How I put up with this shit for so long, I'll never know, and not even just the shit that you toss my way..."

"Don't you go there. Don't even go there you, asshole! You don't have to start being a dick just because - "
     
  "IT'S THE SHIT THAT YOU KEEP FEEDING YOURSELF THAT I CAN'T DEAL WITH!"
     
Hesitation complies. I've nothing left to sustain. My worries here have allowed a momentary refrain...and there it goes, my innocence, while gathering up a compliment...
     
  The strains of music interjected as he crossed the room quickly enough that I didn't even remember him walking, and holding onto my shoulders he started shaking me. Words hissing through his gritted teeth matched the frenetic pace of his dark eyes as they scrambled to keep mine attentive.

"You think that the key to coping with your problems is shoving me away and it's not, and right now I just want to strangle you for it. You use the bullshit fucking chip on your shoulder to just beat to a bloody pulp everyone that tries to get close. For all your lines about forgiveness, I have never in my life, NEVER IN MY LIFE, met someone who holds a grudge like you do. And I am done trying to fight back the blows just to get close to you. No, look at me. Until you fix whatever broken, snapping wiring is sparking bullshit in that overinflated, self-deprecating head of yours, you'll never get close to anyone. I am done having to pin the arm behind your back that you default push everyone away with, only left with one arm to show you how much I cared. You, YOU -"

At this point he jabbed my head with his forefinger, it was hard, and it hurt. I felt the blood rush back into my arm.

"- You crippled me before we ever started. You did this, not me. And I've been a giant ignorant fuck to have spent so long trying to rationalize to myself that I was helping. That somehow I was unbreaking you, and that things were going to be fine in the end. Fuck the end. And fuck you for never giving me a fair chance."

The sincerity in his eyes, and the sudden unmasked loathing and regret barreling its way through that sincerity, was going to crush me under the weight of my own guilt. I wrenched away from him, hitting my shoulder hard against the wall behind me. I hit his chest, pushing him back with my fists. Hot, familiar tears boiled over my lashes, blinding me. The scene in front of me swam.

"I'm glad," I choked out, trying to hide wet, wild sobs and rushing over by the sink to jerk a drawer open and disembowel it, I coughed loudly, "I'm glad that you've finally found some way to verbalize your emotions like this. Glad to actually know from your fucking words how you feel. You've never been much capable of that before. Not when there was anything good to say. So you're welcome, you bastard. You're welcome for giving you something to despise so much that it's rendered you nearly eloquent. At least this is a true feeling, and not some retarded internet poem that you found and tried to pass off as your own to impress me. Hate me then. It works for you, looks like it's made you more of an actual person and less of a giant bumbling caveman."

He stood there and took it, wincing, I wanted to imagine. I don't know, I wasn't looking at him. As I rambled out that bitter tirade, I had gone back to upending the kitchen, pulled out all of his things, dumping them into the box on the floor.

"...And you're an idiot to have wasted so much of your precious, precious time on me, when I was clearly so broken and delusional and since it took such heroic efforts on your part to love me. I'm so sorry that I made it sooooo difficult for you, so sorry that you've clearly had to mentally manhandle me to get me to bend to your affections. But I'm even sorrier that you never said any of this to me until now. Mostly sorry for that, really."

I jerked the box off the floor and flung it toward him, urging it into his arms.

"So take your shit, and go. You'd think we could have made something work, with the giant axe to grind that you've been hiding for so long, and me with my chip. You couldn't have hacked away at that the whole time, instead of starting today?"

Marching into the living room, I grabbed a stack of his folded laundry from the couch, and brought that back to cram into the box with the kitchen crap.

"Just get out of here before I do something stupid, like start aiming. Take that box and go. I need to just scream incoherently and box up the rest of your shit without you deciding to butt in with your psychoanalysis and your grabbing and your bitching."

It was a vain attempt, but I was actually trying to push him towards the door and not look at him. After half a moment he went to it all by himself, nearly tearing it off its hinges as he ripped it open.

  "Look, I - "

"No, you're done. We're done. This is so fucking done. Get out now. I'll call you in a bit after I've packed your shit up for you to come back and get."

I turned around and went back to the kitchen, without another glance at him, and didn't look up until after he'd slammed the door.

"Yeah go, you huge fucking jerk! Go on down to the gas station and pick up the smokes you're gonna run back to now! I hope you fucking die of fucking lung cancer! I HATE YOU!"

  I threw a fork at the door and screamed.

  ...do what he says. One little girl, taught that she is small. Taught that she is less, and man's decree is law. One little boy who'd know her too well. But that one little boy could send her to hell...

The stereo called out; Toad the Wet Sprocket mocking me.

And he didn't come charging back in. And he didn't stay there and pick me up and hold me after I crumpled into a sobbing heap against the dishwasher.

peripheral twitch

phantom touches
an impression born
of not being
wound words
so tight for so
long it will be
an endless un-
winding & i tap
tap tap tap taptaptap
out in quick tugs
the tendrils as i
loosen them
from themselves
it isn't meant
to mean anything
besides itself
it's less a poem
less a stream of consciousness
less an inner monologue
that it is just
breaths across keys
in the absence of
sleep or someone
or both
i've heard it
both ways
i've watched
the slow evening
spider march of
tangible things
spindle
thoughts out
and around
themselves
a spinneret
etiquette
of silk sidebar
significant
in-
significants
a round thing
jingling its way
in and out of rooms
summer smother
summers
mother
my inner ear
out of tune and
monkeybarring
its way through
the songs i want
to make mean more
than perhaps they should
those dreams you assign
meaning to, in lieu
of meaningful
mundanities
of this everyday thing
some people
have the gall
to call
life

mixtape xxiv - the peck & clamour

if the sun was never to rise
and the moon reflected time
it'd be a long dark night
aim your glow
guide the ships home
aim your glow
hope someone's watching
-
couldn't find you
honesty
all the blisters
you were holding alone
couldn't find you
were you water
were you breaking
my frozen bones
my broken mind
now i've spoken
what it meant to be
in your doorway
standing taller
than those long shadows
-
you hold out
for more than
you go for
it's not going
to work out
you know it
-
i've always said it's easy that way
easy to manipulate
and take me to war
squirrel it away
when you wake up cold and alive you go
butt out
thought i had it down now
this is what i asked for
-
i'm a lump of meat
with a heartbeat
electricity restarts me
and i promised myself
i wouldn't sing about death
-
fingers ring la la leaders
queue jumpers
rock fist paper scissors
it's all in your eyes
deep greedy and
googling every corner
-
how optimism led me astray
two hundred things i took the wrong way
could be blown way out, way out
it's all going to change
-
turn your passion into patience
there is bound to be great pain
and i must walk these roads to freedom
'cos i can hear them call my name
-
i still owe money
to the money
to the money i owe
never thought about love
when i thought about home
the floors are falling out
from everybody i know
-
soft from your lips
to the rise of your stomach
your long filthy fingers
keep jamming words down my throat
nothing to steal
we've got nothing to love
nothing to spill
because oh we're so innocent
-
dance for death
you lame in the morning fires
and be a ghost in the sky
will my bleeding ears be rung with joy
or are they just plain spent
and well destroyed
-
all i perceive
is wasted and broken
silvery streams
sacred when spoken
slam into me and into
the ditch of debris
everyone barks
and they're all still believing
to tear out your heart
would send all your secrets
to me
-
love in our life
is just too valuable
oh to feel
for even a second
without it
but life
without death
is just impossible
oh, to realize
something is ending
within us
feeling yourself
disintegrate

mixtape xxiv - the peck & clamour

aim - dot hacker

bones - dustin tebbutt

hold out - washed out

down now - french kicks

the weight - editors

fitzpleasure - alt-j

mind mischief - tame impala

freedom pt 2 - songs: ohia

bloodbuzz ohio - the national

on the edge of - low

ghost in the sky - sparklehorse

breaking through - mmoths

lesson in patience - chet faker

where you'll find me now - neutral milk hotel

feeling yourself disintegrate - the flaming lips

mixtape xvi - a little light

does a loving feud have to be something more,
or will the rug muffle our yells
will the chipped paint on the walls ever dry?
will the room keep closing in?
you smashed the doorframe
and i’ll burn the halls
just wanna let you go
shall we build a bridge from door to door
to help the postman on his route?
shall we tip-toe through forest and field
to get the job done by ourselves?
gather stargazers and curious wanders
on the other side

-

tell me why you lied
and what it is you do to keep your eyes
all shiny.
in the rollercoaster din,
by the parachutes in saddle shoes
you break your shin.
but I have never seen two eyes
so shiny.
and the sullen beery swine
who try to tangle you in
sullen beery balls of twine,
have they ever seen two eyes
so shiny?
the boys in denim vests,
smoking cigarettes
between their bootblack fingertips,
sweetly tipsy by the half-light.
the light and the
half-light.

-

if you knew how i miss you,
you would not stay away today.
don't you know how i need you?
stay here, my dear, with me.

-

come monday night we turn the telly off
to listen to the silence
light that comes in from outside
if you could catch it all
and pin it to your wall
then you would sleep much better

-

and when i feel like i can feel once again
let me stay awhile
soak it in awhile
if we can hold on we can fix what is wrong
buy a little time
for this head of mine
haven for us
in truth there is no better place to be
than falling out of darkness still to see
without a premonition
could you tell me where we stand?
i'd hate to lose this light
before we land

-

i can't sleep in silence
can't be pitch black in my room
i need some lights on, some distraction
so i won't move
and in the middle of the night when i have
drifted off in sleep
i see a thousand cherry tulips lined up
along my street
i want the sea
i want the whole sea
(and endless cherries)
for you and me
(for crimson colors)
for you and me
(all just for you and me)

-

said you never felt so strange
said i never felt so strange
hanging out with the drifters
the poets and the painters that fill your head
no, i never wanted much
and we're old enough now
to know you never want it till someone does
don't you think you should try a little
to make it all come clean?
is this highway a road to love or
just a way to get to him?
what you gonna get out of nothing?
'cause nothing is the way it seems
i saw you in the silence
i saw you in the darkness
crawling through the pillars of your pain
truly i can see your smile
running with your hair all wild
running for the weekend
looking for the daylight in your eyes

-

lately i have noticed that love has lost all of its class
all these ‘booty calls’ and speed dating scores
makes for love that never lasts
what became of that old fashioned man?
who was happy to hold your hand
who asked permission to kiss your cheek
and how the thrill of it would make your knees weak
lately i’ve noticed that love has lost all its charm
what happened to town hall dances and slow romances
down the boulevard arm in arm?
i’m just looking for a man with an
old fashioned
passion for
me

-

when you're drunk in the alley, baby, with your clothes all torn
and your late night friends leave you in the cold gray dawn
just seemed too many flies on you, i just can't brush them off
angels beating all their wings in time
with smiles on their faces and a gleam right in their eyes
whoa, thought i heard one sigh for you
come on up, come on up, now, come on up now
may the good lord shine a light on you
make every song you sing your favorite tune
may the good lord shine a light on you
warm like the evening sun

-
i will make you a little paper boat
mmmmm, it'll always keep but probably never float
i'll fold the sails perfectly straight
i bet the wind won't blow and you'll have to wait
for the current to pick up and push you forward
and take it's time to get out to sea
a view full of colour and disguise
i hope it takes you to me
oh and if my boat won't float i'll make you a paper crane
i think it means good luck in japan
oh if it flew it would probably crash land
i'm no good with origami
but i'm good at loving you
i'll write you a little French poem
mmmmm, bring all your friends 'cause
you wanna show 'em
i'll make sure its grammatically correct
to read in your head with my french accent
est-que je vais te revoir
et es libre c'est soir
je vais de toi, mon amour

-

i got sunburnt waiting for the jets to land
circus people with hairy little hands
come on boys strike up the army band
i got sunburnt waiting for the jets
how do you feel?
i can't seem to see through solid marble eyes
fiery pianos wash up on a foggy coast
squeaky old organs have given up the ghost
fire them up and kill the pianos
there's creaky old organs burning on the coast
how do you feel?
i can't seem to breath with a rusted metal heart
i can't seem to see through solid marble eyes

-

sometime we can be restrained
they put the weight up on our chains
leave me in the heavy rain
where clouds are so thick you make me pick
between all of this good and bad
you were never told it's not as simple as that
you could be happy if you
hold out your hands
say you want to be happy
and i'll open your eyes
i said don't be so ashamed
don't let them push you into the shade
you replied well it's all the same
have i ever told you about the flame that never died
a spark arose within the darkest of nights
it lit up the room so we could see in daylight

-

tall black trees in the wind
they sway and they bend
leaves in your face
now you're gone
a war can last too long
a memory in your place
and now that you're gone
a war can last too long
time is all it takes
to heal the break that's in my heart
when it gets dark
let's murder all the things we were
turn this to a peaceful place
for time's all it takes
for me to heal the break
oh, say you will carry on
oh, say you'll burn
all those who are wrong.
lord, say you'll put my heart into this song
and i haven't seen you in so long

-

you don't have a clue
what it is like to be next to you
i'm here to tell you
that it is good
that it is true
birds singing a song
old paint is peeling
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling
words can't be that strong
my heart is reeling
this is that fresh
that fresh feeling

-

she lives alone without his call
she's almost at the end
silence when she talks
in a house that's way too big for her
she calls
she calls to the satellite
won't you help me
tonight
play that song you know i like
and i'll wake up in time
traces silently stars
i won't ask for any more
i won't
to the satellite

mixtape xvi

a little light

find my name in the sun - and the giraffe

shiny - the decemberists

if you knew - jeff buckley

come monday night - god help the girl

the light before we land - the delgados

cherry tulips - headlights

starlight no. 1 - mojave 3

old fashioned man - ange takats

shine a light - rolling stones

paper boat - gossling

piano fire - sparklehorse

you could be happy - sahara beck

tall trees - lost in the trees

fresh feeling - the eels

satellite - ainslie wills