doing
the write thing.
just not sharing.
gotta do it now
or i won't get it
done today.
not much to say.
feeling kinda cold
and rude.
low, slow mood.
can't eat food.
tired of all
the relentless
devouring,
attitude scouring to
stave off
bitter souring.
you try too hard with
the rhyme,
sometimes.
gotta get all the grime
out in time
to get out something fine.
to leave something
beautiful, good
behind.
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Friday, June 01, 2012
erasure
my feelings and emotions the past couple weeks have been an ant trapped in the amber of depression and anxiety. sometimes they just sit, and sink. sometimes there's a short burst of violent struggle to be free that only results in faster suction from below, fevered sinking. mental panic while the body goes numb.
it's not that cancer beat me, although someone was blunt enough to phrase it that way. that i'm letting it beat me. it's the anxiety about the future of my cancer or not-cancer that's beating me. give me a solid answer, doc. don't give a neurotic what-if's. that's like handcuffing an alcoholic to a seat at an open bar.
i'm sitting in a giant mesh of blood, and meat, numb nerve endings and overloaded synapse circuits. my brain has been burnt out, the fuses blown, the bare wires snapping when anything moves them. it feels like autopilot. or, like piloting a plane with all the instrument panels gone dark, the wheel snapped off in your hand, your air-traffic controller popping on every hour for a minute to tell you things are fine, you're doing great. hang in there and try not to hit anything. do you see any signs out the window? we'll find you when you crash, so you're not lost.
caffeine sets it off. the electric flash through the wires, sparks and then black nothing. those are the short violent struggles. family sets it off. mom worries about me, and since she can't fix cancer, she helps by trying to fix everything else in my life that's wrong. i got a $5k loan approval to get a car. i can pay it off in 18 months or so. and what will i do with my car when i get it? probably still sit at home, for all the big talking i do. there aren't any relationships in my vicinity worth having. i want to go see faces, but they're all far away. i want to fall in love, but i just work, and come home, and work, and come home, and work, and come home, freak out at my family, work, come home. i gave them 28 years and i feel like they were a waste.
tonight i just want to be deleted. i want select all, backspace, type it again. get it right. what can you do with 5 years? i may have more than that, i may have less. i don't know yet. i used to think 5 year goals were for pretentious assholes who were so boring they knew where they'd be because spontaneity was a disease they hadn't caught yet, would never catch. born with the antibodies for it. now i think 5 year goals are for selfish, optimistic morons who can't hang on to just the moment they have in their hands, they have to grope for more because their moment now isn't enough. can't enjoy your mouthful because you're already thinking about the next one.
and i'm sitting here at the end of all the moments that have happened up until now, and i don't even want the one i've got. those five-year-goalers can have my moment. they'd do something better with it than i have. the introspection of nothing is only more nothing. holes within holes. i focused on them so much they manifested. i grew a hole that could only be fixed with a hole. and someone else filled the hole with something holes can't happen in anymore. but holes are all i've been good at. they let the rocks through. or they held all the rocks in. i can't be sure.
someone said we write to get a second chance. if you're born to be a writer, all you want are do-overs. my need for erasure is only fulfilling my destiny. you can scrub ink with an eraser long enough, that the paper comes too. sure, the paper comes too, but the ink is gone.
and isn't that what mattered?
it's not that cancer beat me, although someone was blunt enough to phrase it that way. that i'm letting it beat me. it's the anxiety about the future of my cancer or not-cancer that's beating me. give me a solid answer, doc. don't give a neurotic what-if's. that's like handcuffing an alcoholic to a seat at an open bar.
i'm sitting in a giant mesh of blood, and meat, numb nerve endings and overloaded synapse circuits. my brain has been burnt out, the fuses blown, the bare wires snapping when anything moves them. it feels like autopilot. or, like piloting a plane with all the instrument panels gone dark, the wheel snapped off in your hand, your air-traffic controller popping on every hour for a minute to tell you things are fine, you're doing great. hang in there and try not to hit anything. do you see any signs out the window? we'll find you when you crash, so you're not lost.
caffeine sets it off. the electric flash through the wires, sparks and then black nothing. those are the short violent struggles. family sets it off. mom worries about me, and since she can't fix cancer, she helps by trying to fix everything else in my life that's wrong. i got a $5k loan approval to get a car. i can pay it off in 18 months or so. and what will i do with my car when i get it? probably still sit at home, for all the big talking i do. there aren't any relationships in my vicinity worth having. i want to go see faces, but they're all far away. i want to fall in love, but i just work, and come home, and work, and come home, and work, and come home, freak out at my family, work, come home. i gave them 28 years and i feel like they were a waste.
tonight i just want to be deleted. i want select all, backspace, type it again. get it right. what can you do with 5 years? i may have more than that, i may have less. i don't know yet. i used to think 5 year goals were for pretentious assholes who were so boring they knew where they'd be because spontaneity was a disease they hadn't caught yet, would never catch. born with the antibodies for it. now i think 5 year goals are for selfish, optimistic morons who can't hang on to just the moment they have in their hands, they have to grope for more because their moment now isn't enough. can't enjoy your mouthful because you're already thinking about the next one.
and i'm sitting here at the end of all the moments that have happened up until now, and i don't even want the one i've got. those five-year-goalers can have my moment. they'd do something better with it than i have. the introspection of nothing is only more nothing. holes within holes. i focused on them so much they manifested. i grew a hole that could only be fixed with a hole. and someone else filled the hole with something holes can't happen in anymore. but holes are all i've been good at. they let the rocks through. or they held all the rocks in. i can't be sure.
someone said we write to get a second chance. if you're born to be a writer, all you want are do-overs. my need for erasure is only fulfilling my destiny. you can scrub ink with an eraser long enough, that the paper comes too. sure, the paper comes too, but the ink is gone.
and isn't that what mattered?
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Paul Auster says:
Becoming a writer is not a “career decision” like becoming a doctor or a policeman. You don’t choose it so much as get chosen, and once you accept the fact that you’re not fit for anything else, you have to be prepared to walk a long, hard road for the rest of your days.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
If you stuff yourself full of poems, essays, plays, stories, novels, films, comic strips, magazines, music, you automatically explode every morning like Old Faithful. I have never had a dry spell in my life, mainly because I feed myself well, to the point of bursting. I wake early and hear my morning voices leaping around in my head like jumping beans. I get out of bed to trap them before they escape.
RAY BRADBURY
RAY BRADBURY
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
mayday resolutions
may day is a good day to re-evaluate my resolutions. it's like, mayday! mayday! i'm not doing what i planned to! help! let's fix this.
1. stop putting up with takers.
2.a. be selfish about who i keep close.
2.b. find better people to keep close.
3. if i don't write, draw every day. if i don't draw, write. no exceptions. one is good. both is better.
4. get lost. go wandering. at least one adventure a week.
5. save enough money for a fucking car already. even if it's a piece of shit. as long as it runs. this is a necessity.
6. be selfish with my time. it's precious, and should be spent on precious things.
7. cut the bullshit. especially the bullshit i try and give to myself.
8. i don't have to forgive everyone for everything. it's ok to call an asshole an asshole. It's better to not even call them.
9. be me. the end. stop trying to please everyone with all the little facets, it's making me miserable.
10. emotional integrity, and integrity in general. refocus to this. stop being afraid to face the feelings, and ignore what everyone else thinks is the right thing. do what i know is the right thing.
11. i had cancer. my arm doesn't work great. it's ok to be sad and mad about this. even if people act like it's not.
12. work when I work, and play when I play.
13. read more. read more poetry.
14. write my fucking novel.
13. one random, anonymous act of service for someone else every day. earn some karma credits.
15. find someone who will be sweet to me.
16. keep letting love happen. even if it hurts.
17. white hot passionate is the only way to be.
18. let past crap stay in the past. learn to let go. focus on the instants at hand.
19. only listen to good music.
20. stop worrying my opinions will offend someone. stick up for what i believe in. stand for things.
1. stop putting up with takers.
2.a. be selfish about who i keep close.
2.b. find better people to keep close.
3. if i don't write, draw every day. if i don't draw, write. no exceptions. one is good. both is better.
4. get lost. go wandering. at least one adventure a week.
5. save enough money for a fucking car already. even if it's a piece of shit. as long as it runs. this is a necessity.
6. be selfish with my time. it's precious, and should be spent on precious things.
7. cut the bullshit. especially the bullshit i try and give to myself.
8. i don't have to forgive everyone for everything. it's ok to call an asshole an asshole. It's better to not even call them.
9. be me. the end. stop trying to please everyone with all the little facets, it's making me miserable.
10. emotional integrity, and integrity in general. refocus to this. stop being afraid to face the feelings, and ignore what everyone else thinks is the right thing. do what i know is the right thing.
11. i had cancer. my arm doesn't work great. it's ok to be sad and mad about this. even if people act like it's not.
12. work when I work, and play when I play.
13. read more. read more poetry.
14. write my fucking novel.
13. one random, anonymous act of service for someone else every day. earn some karma credits.
15. find someone who will be sweet to me.
16. keep letting love happen. even if it hurts.
17. white hot passionate is the only way to be.
18. let past crap stay in the past. learn to let go. focus on the instants at hand.
19. only listen to good music.
20. stop worrying my opinions will offend someone. stick up for what i believe in. stand for things.
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