monday (evening) music shuffle

since i forgot this morning! aah! then a real post after this.

i won't believe every lie
just 'cause you said you're mine.
i won't believe that your heart's
been cheating from the start.
i won't believe it's just a game.
i won't believe it's just the same... again.
i won't believe you could be far away
but staying on my mind.
i've to believe, at last, there won't be
anything that's left behind.
my friend,
i understand that you just saw
the signs, but not their sense,
and laid your trust in me.
i won't believe.
i won't believe that you will be there at all.
you know that i believe this is what a friend is for.
i said i won't believe, but then,
i understand that you could see
the signs but not their sense.
so don't lay your trust in me,
i won't believe.
i won't believe - wolfsheim


he's all i know and i know he needs me.
lips are a shore, through a mouth into sea.
cause it makes no sense to walk in the dark
again and again, so i push the heart.
it's alright, though. i could let go.
with just one breath i could wait there under water
until the moment i release into air.
he's all i have, all i have in my mind.
wings are a path on a back into sky.
then you circle above just to frame the view.
and it makes no sense, but it's clear to you.
it's alright, though. i could let go with just one breath.
i could wait under water until the moment i release into air.
just one breath - devics


i am a bird girl now.
i've got my heart here in my hands, now.
i've been searching for my wings some time.
i'm gonna be born into soon the sky.
'cause i'm a bird girl and the bird girls go to heaven.
and the bird girls can fly.
bird girls can fly.
bird gehrl - antony & the johnsons

gouge away, you can gouge away
stay all day if you want to
missy aggravation
some sacred questions
you stroke my locks
some marijuana if you got some
gouge away, you can gouge away
stay all day if you want to
sleeping on your belly
you break my arms
you spoon my eyes
been rubbing a bad charm with holy fingers
gouge away, you can gouge away
stay all day if you want to
chained to the pillars, a three-day party
i break the walls and kill us all with holy fingers
gouge away, you can gouge away
stay all day if you want to
gouge away - pixies


i thought it was the only time
you could say to me that this feels right.
leave me out.
i feared the worst, i missed my chance.
you've been and gone and took my heart,
all my love.
not strong enough i might just break
cause i wanted you, make no mistake
where i fall.
please don't look at me, i'm in such a mess
i will beat your love out of my chest
i just want peace
i just want peace and quiet in my head,
i can't find it in the bars or in my bed
if you like i'll take your number from my phone
and lock the doors and turn the lights off
in my home
where i fall - the reindeer section

Davids

There is nothing wrong with having a crush on Bernini's David. I'd be way more worried if I'd said Donatello's.

See:

Bernini's David

Donatello's David

weak sister ii

weak sister
put on your nightgown
walk out west
and watch the valley drink
the sun down

if nothing is changing
then nothing is breaking
make your way to bed

weak sister
have sweet dreams
throwing things and parts
at parts of things
at no one

if nothing's breaking
you're not changing
so please just stay in bed

you want this
to need that
you're better off alone

you don't need this
to want that
you're better off unknown

weak sister
take off your nightgown
get in the water
wash off all the nightmares

where everything is changing
nothing is breaking
you can't sit still

all we are is incomplete
waiting for a chance
to wait forever

you are responsible

you want this
to need that
you're better off alone

you need this
to want that
you're better off unknown
you're better off alone
you're better off unknown

weak sister
close your eyes
lay your burdens down
and fall asleep
life starts again tomorrow

if nothing is changing
nothing is breaking

nothing is changing
nothing is breaking

you want this
to need that
you need this
to want that

you're better off unknown
you're better off alone

you're better off alone

you're better off unknown

weak sister

an edge tingles
when you inch
forward.

you want to
curl your toes
around it,

to feel
like you're still
hanging on,

like there's something
that can catch you

if you fall.

ch-ch-changes

It is 20 degrees here today, and I am freeeezing. At least I don't work outside. It could be worse. I could be the UPS guy. I feel bad for him when the weather is sucky.

Reconnecting with old friends this week, it has been far too long, and I forgot how much I loved these people. It's nice to be back in communicado, to find out what they've been up to the last few years. I feel like such a different person since the last time I spoke to them, so much has changed, but plenty enough has stayed the same, I suppose.

I definitely listen to better music now. And I'm far more comfortable in my own skin than I was at 19 and 20. I may not have a degree or a husband or a house or kids, but that self...acceptance is a big change and is worth more to me right now than any of those things.

It's so fascinating to me, the circumstances and cycles that life and experience move in. How, in some strange providential or cosmic ruling of chance you can feel completely alone and cutoff and life hands you or pulls you to the things you need in a desperate moment to keep your head above water... you get nudged just over the top of the hill when you didn't think you'd ever see past that obstacle right in front of you.

Still, I wish there had been more adventure, more assertion and boldness and daring, in all the meantime. I wish I had better things to show for all that's elapsed than just... me. Oh, I am still as flawed and stubborn and hopeless as ever, but today is tinted in optimism and there is a smile on my face.

I have accepted myself, that was a good lesson to learn. Now I just need to accept that I have control.