spotless

i'm watching the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind during my lunch break. this movie bugs me, i don't know why. every time i watch it, (and i don't know why i watch it so many times,) something about it bugs me. maybe it's supposed to bug me, it's been a few years since the last time i saw it.

do you ever do that? watch movies repetitively but with years in between so when you watch it again, it's surprising. and you notice things you didn't before, or maybe you just forgot you noticed them, or you feel like you've never seen it before, you pay more attention to it, or perhaps you don't pay attention to it at all. And then you don't know what's going on, and you find new favorite moments, and the twists are twists again.

i want blue hair. clarification: some days i want blue hair. somedays it doesn't even have to be blue, i just want something that's a bright, weird, different color. brighter colors. i wish i could pull of blue hair, or that i could have blue hair and not get judged for it... why do i care about being judged?

the first time i saw this movie, i associated myself with clementine. i related to her. i still relate to her, but this time, it's different. why do i feel more in touch with joel's character? i hate this movie.

the first time andy told me to watch it, i did, to be obliging. now i watch it every few years, because it's reminiscent, new, strange, annoying. it's annoying! it's such an annoying movie. it's an annoying movie that i kind of want to live in, the way it looks, the things in it. not the people, i don't care about the people, but i want that world.

sometimes you want to erase people. sometime you want to erase yourself the way you were with people. sometimes you want to forget that you were ever that way, or that they ever saw you that way. you wish you could go back and not be the person they know now, and instead just be who you were before, and keep going on from that point.

rewind, rerecord. repent, resent, release, reprehend. reprehensive, repugnant, repudiate, relearn, revel. revelation, revolution... re re re re re re

this movie is annoying, and creepy. i hate this movie. i hate that i want it and can't stand it all at the same time.

i don't know why. it's stupid. this is stupid.

i'm hungry. and broke till tomorrow.

it's my mother's birthday today, and all i can think about is myself.

annoying.

no matter where we go

No matter where we go, we always arrive too late
to experience what we left to find.
And in whatever cities we stay
it is the houses where it is too late to return
and gardens where it's too late to spend a moonlit night
and the women whom it's too late to love
that disturb us with their intangible presence.
And whatever streets we think we know
take us past the gardens we are searching for
whose heavy fragrance spreads throughout the neighborhood.
And whatever houses we return to
we arrive too late to be recognized.
And in whatever rivers we look for our reflections
we see ourselves only when we have turned our backs.

- Henrik Nordbrandt 

no, you know what?

who the hell do you think you are?
stop pulling me out of the half-light.
i'm allowed to feel some self-righteous indignation or anger.
if i could be mad at you, i would be mad at you.
i can drag my heels.
just leave me here, luminous and alone.
it's mauve for a reason.
i need this grey, this smoke-shroud.
i should have been a chain smoker,
i should have lived in bars.

dreamfish

if you tie hopes to me, i get tired, i feel guilty. i worry about not being everything, i stress about disappointment and not holding on. i hold on tight. litter me with small awarenesses, and i will ask if i'm good enough. every one. every time. there are things that drift away. what happens when i choose to believe? sailing ships. bodies. choose where to be. misplaced. i can't recall. tucked in winter, fragile, doll.

just sweet, is it, mostly. be deep in my deep places, hot where i'm hot, and hot where i'm cold. love my hands, love the way my middle finger and my ring finger on my right hand bow into each other, gapped in the middle but the nails leaning in, conspiring, from so many nights when i have fallen asleep while writing in my notebooks, from everything i've ever drawn. love this hand i have grown specifically to hold expression and unravel myself to the world in long black strands and hard, bright colors. love my hands, my hand, because it is all of me, and it will be good for you. sweet. don't look at me with anything but adoration. i am well-versed in the language of eyes, i might as well be psychic, i know what you think, even when you don't say it. don't don't say the things that hurt me, don't let me reread my own fears and doubts in eyes, familiar and so old. bone-chillingly ancient, petrified, brittle, hard as failure, as hard as all of my sad songs.

i take care of things, fix them, volunteer, distract. i'm scared to run into a quiet moment and realize no one is caring back. i bleed myself dry and then look around helplessly for a transfusion, or run, because i'm too ashamed to ask for one. i do this, i'm bad at it. change me. all of my sad songs can't make me change, they'll just keep pushing you further away. the great regret is staying in place. i just want something to be safe and naked in, without being catatonic, or dead, to get there.

at the end of my day, when i'm called to go into open arms, let fortune follow me. i'm running low, the devil is on my trail. when fate delivers me, all i'll ask it for is a place to rest, and shelter for my soul. oh if i could spend my days free from the prison of your gaze. if i could spend my day free from the shadow of my name... god, just know when i'm being me, and when i'm spouting lyrics and other lines because i'm too damn scared to trust my own weak way of wording things. it is weak, these days. and that just wrenches me through, wrings me out and leaves me shaking and cold on a tight line. my days are so full of monotony, of brainless, brawny work, and i feel myself crumbling internally. like play-doh, slowly drying out in a dark closet, shrinking, pulling away from the sides of the container, getting small and hard. i don't want to be a small, hard, shrunken person.

i'm gunshy and quivering, timid, feigning brave, brittle and hardly here.

not much makes sense. i'm faking it. pseudo-making it. beginning the middle of something again, buried neck-deep in sand waiting for it to unbury me. the salt-water is suffocating, i can't breathe. it beats me, unrelenting. you should see what it's doing to my hair.

like andromeda, nothing listens, no one calls. and here i am, awake, alone, living on a chain. even these wordlinks clatter hollow. oh, the nothingness that holds me is so profound.

and now the final refrain. played out by the band. self-professed, profound, the chips are down. though you're a gamblin' man, love... is a losing hand, a fate resigned over futile odds. laughed at by the gods. another link in the chain. 

i should be better at leaving you alone, i wish i could. should be more normal, less creepy and clinging. yeah... andromeda. we wish we were islands. i believe in the things you say during sleep. too bad i can't hear them. all by myself, chained to this wet rock.

pack these suckers tight, i should walk on water. 

oh, i wish i were here. time for bed. tired of reading wallwriting on a dark ceiling at 2am. i can't even pack the boxes right. 

run

if i ever found the cause of this sadness i know it would be
impossible to keep the vision against all of me
when i took myself far and away
from everyone that i knew
if you're looking for the moon
is it ever when it's new?

when the iron is cold
and the binding holds fast onto you
when i listen for the footsteps that nearly knock me down in the room
the tower is gone you say, but how well can you really see?
oh you'll find it by and by
In a heartbeat you'll be free
and you will

run run run run run run run run run
run run run run run run run run run
run run run run run run run run run
keep runnin' back to me.

oh, the both of our heads you've been searching to find a way through
but there's nothing that I want more than a reason to be followin' you
when you bring out the matches
just remember that i own them all, too
if a lie won't go too deep
in a heartbeat you'll be free
and you will

run run run run run run run run run
run run run run run run run run run
run run run run run run run run run
keep runnin' back to me.

run run run run run run run run run
run run run run run run run run run
run run run run run run run run run
keep runnin' back to me.

keep runnin' back to me
to me

to me.