both the one at the door
a life
organized around
perimeter defense
some of us
don’t get
an
inside
the hyper-attuned
caretaker
reading microshifts in others
managing tone
preempting needs
smoothing danger before
it erupts
the “good” one
the socially rewarded one
the one people call
kind
capable
strong
the one that snarls inward
that mistrusts rest
tightens when things go quiet
that knows catastrophe
follows softness
the one that learned
being unguarded
gets you
hurt
humiliated
erased
this is not a romanticized
inner conflict this is
chronic siege
goodness did not protect you
obedience did not protect you
endurance did not protect you
silence did not protect you
a system adapted
by refusing to choose
neither wolf can be trusted to win
both must stay awake
there is only ever room
for one role in your life
every part of you
drafted into it
no artist
no child
no resting body
just variations on vigilance
need & alone
are the same
feeling to me
just in case
you wondered
where
all the rage is from
sorry if that
was “shitty &
try too hard”
i am tired of
going
without
in every semblance
of the phrase
what if my greatest fear
is unregulated aliveness
late to myself because
i was early for
everyone else
what is it like
to be held
while you’re
hurting
how do you
carry yourself up
a mountain
what will it
cost me
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