a vulnerability, and an initial urge to run through with an eraser and tidy up. or to post more things that make me sound more important/better/whatever than i really am. however, a recent resolution to be more of myself, sans the influence of other people's opinions, has kept me from doing that.
other than taking down all the naked pictures. just kidding, there weren't any naked pictures.
maybe.
so, to my few new readers - or my new skimming-through-while-i'm-bored-ers - i would say welcome, however, this blog isn't really for you. and that's the thing, mainly, that i wanted to say here. mostly to myself. nothing's going to change because of a public admission.
i think the only thing that will really change is that i will update this more frequently than only storming in here when i'm in a bad mood to rant something out instead of yelling at an actual person, or when i'm so terrified of being cornered by my own thoughts that i have to escape through fingertips instead of lying awake and miserable.
and not all of this blog is angry and miserable. at least, i hope it's not viewed that way, despite most of the posts so far being products of the apex of some emotional upheaval.
honestly, for me, writing - in general, but mostly this sort of writing in particular - is meant for that. it's an exorcism of whatever thoughts i've got clattering around inside. i write because it's easier to sort through everything that's going on in this wild jumbly jungly head when i can throw it all out on the floor and then pick through it, than trying to organize it all while i'm holding it in my hand. i write because expressing brings more clarity to myself.
i've been thinking a lot this week about taking on a new project. something more productive than my usual hobbies of gaming, or music, or jewelry-making, or soapcraft, or schlubbing through netflix trying to find something to watch. i want to write a book. have wanted to for years and years, and have started it so many times, but it's never the right one. the premise, or the diction, or the characters, or whatever tiny semblance of plot i've managed to wrestle out, just never...fit...right. and not having a book completed already doesn't mean that i haven't been trying for one, doesn't mean that i haven't always been writing one. lord knows i have more half-begun stories sitting in the little book folder in "my documents" than i've ever bothered to count.
it's just... do you ever feel like you've got something epic in there, somewhere, that you haven't quite figured out yet the right way to grab for it? that impending doom of destiny-shaking possibility which makes the littlest things significant and seemingly important ones so easy to ignore?
ah, possibility. i am in love with you and terrified of you all the time. i feel that way about everything (since we're being honest) but especially about possibility. he's just so dapper and imposing, but when i get that one raised eyebrow and the sly side smile, well.
forever fascinated by the endlessness of the particular.
that's what this blog is about. possibility and the endlessness of particulars. mostly in how they relate to me. also, music.
for being a post telling people i'm not writing for them, this one sure said "you" a lot. oh well, i'll never admit that i know where i'm going in here.
anyway, song of the day: "inhibition" by dot hacker
dot hacker is an experimental rock band from california formed in 2008 by josh klinghoffer, before joining red hot chili peppers as guitarist in 2009. klinghoffer is the band's songwriter, lead singer, guitarist and also plays piano.
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