a surprisingly good mood, for a monday. overcast, low clouds on the east horizon. by low, i mean they're skirting the mountaintops, so perhaps "low" is relative for those who don't live in a valley, but when the top of this giant bowl in the middle of the rockies is covered with clouds, i feel snug, blanketed. overcast grey days are a rarity in the summer, especially around here, and despite their stigma, are my favorite kind of days. the greens get deeper, everything's a little less yellow, a little less dry and baked feeling.
slept good, weird dreams, but good sleep. i remembered them when i woke up, but not anymore. it's all good, they weren't significant, just my brain spinning off. unwound. it's amazing what a three-day weekend can do sometimes.
i've been watching hell's kitchen, season 8, the last week or so, because it always fascinates me to watch the way other people cook, the way other people mesh. and despite his sailor-mouth (which, after all my years of gaming, i myself seem to have acquired) i actually quite like gordon ramsay. i've seen his softer side on kitchen nightmares, and i think he's actually a pretty great guy. doesn't hurt that he's a hottie, either.
anyway, the reason i share that is because i've been thinking a lot about life the last few days, my life specifically. the direction it's going. my manager wants me to go back to school this fall. he's one of those people who think that it doesn't matter what you get a degree in, as long as you have a degree, a piece of paper that says, i kicked four years' ass by jumping through more hoops than anyone should and made it out the other side. because apparently a degree makes you a better person. so, despite my own personal feelings to the contrary about this, everyone i've talked to seems to think it's time for me to go to school, or at least do something beside spend all day sitting in a warehouse doing mindless drone work and bitching about how discontented i am. because, let's face it, it's a pretty miserable job, and i DO do a lot of bitching these days.
so, i was looking around at graphic design classes at one of the local colleges, and it's like... i don't want to do that. drawing is boring to me lately. it's flat and you can't... get IN it, like i don't want a job where i'll be stuck in front of a computer tweaking crap in adobe all day - how is that fulfilling? maybe it is for some people, but not for me. i just want a career where i can do some of everything, as long as it's expressive and involved, right? but what kind of career would that be? i want a little art boutique/restaurant/music place. i want it to look good, i want to make things that look good, and taste good, and have everything sound good. i want expression and creativity and fun and i want people to be there interacting, enjoying, sharing ideas.
so what do i have to do to get that? culinary school? i know i've got the art down. i just need to practice it more consistently, and honestly, art classes drive me crazy, it's why i quit school in the first place. but then, maybe i need to just get my associates in something, so that i can have a job that i enjoy even a little, while i'm working on my crazy "career" dream.
iunno. i just have to go do something, because sitting around waiting for some great guy and all the "plans" that i thought would be in place already to fall in my lap isn't cutting it anymore. so what, if i'm not married? so what, i don't have a house or kids or a car or all those things i expected of myself at this stage of life? i feel like i've been hanging around hoping some magic door would open and that life would be there on the other side and it would be cut and dry, 1-2-3, simple, open, shut, done.
but that's not life. life never works like that, and if you think it does, then you're just lying to yourself. and i'm tired of lying to myself. life is dynamic and fluid and expressive, and when you're not willing to go with the flow and figure out the twists and turns, then it will keep going without you. it'll wash right past you, like a river. and you will be that stubborn rock stuck in the current, slowly eroding, wearing down smaller and smaller and smaller.
i'm tired of eroding, of feeling myself washing away in path of time and life that i'm too scared to let take me to all those places that i should be.
no more rock, it's time to roll.
No comments:
Post a Comment