mixtape iv - angry ink in mouth corners

hey
been trying to meet you
must be a devil between us
or whores at the door
whore in my bed
but hey
where
have you
been
if you go
i will surely die
we're chained

-

this is the story of victoria lee
she started off on percodan
and ended up with me
she lived in berkeley
until the earthquake shook her loose
she lives in texas now
where nothing ever moves
you'd like to think they're your friends
but they're not your friends
and in the end a friend's the one you'll never know
oh, don't you know?
you'd like to think you're groovy, it's your movie
you see through me, but it's true
and in the end you'll know
victoria, don't go, victoria, victoria, don't go


-

it's just the world that's all it is
toppling through outer space
on a trip it's just the world
some kind of topical fish in a tropical storm.
we dig a blade in the rib cage of an ice age
and we twist until it’s warm.
you know it’s just the world (it was only rome)
trying to be something with an original spin.
an unoriginal sin (i’ve sinned before),
just with a bottle of gin and the girl next door.

-

don't ever give me your back again
you were brought up far too well
we both knew from the start
put pen to paper and let them know
it was all just smoke and mirrors
i've seen to the end
and they believed it with all their hearts
we'd see them stumbling by
yes together we brought them
down so it adds up for me
i sat beneath it with no whistle to blow
i sat beneath it with no whistle to blow
all the while who knew
you would see such despair
oh let me share the saintly fun
counting every accident one by one
we'll see the children around the pyre
and hold their little hands as these all sail away

-

stole a page from your book
and a line from your page
and flew into a lesbian rage
cuz with eyes on my own rotten luck
another nude descends the staircase to get fucked
a city scene
darkness falls
now skate hard down the gallery walls
there's a plague on
there's a rat-tailed ensemble
burying all of our heads in the sand

-

i know that i said i'd be gone by now
i'd be further down the road
but i lagged behind
belly up, you said, but i wanted you by my side
so this is why i'm waiting
this is why i haven't come undone
this is what i keep saying to keep my shoulders strong

-

you've got such ordinary ways
of wasting your life
don't try to grieve for yesterday
tears won't save you now

-

don't touch me
if you're thinking of somebody else
i'm a fool for a man who is not fixated on himself
but not if he's fixated on somebody else
don't touch me
unless you're gonna say my name
while we do it
you know, i wanna do it
and you don't know
what you put me through
falling all over myself
in love with you
and you didn't deserve it

-

tall woman, pull the pylons down
and wrap them around the necks
of all the feckless men that queue to be the next
steepled
fingers, ring la la la la la la la leaders
queue jumpers
rock fist paper scissors, la la la la la la la lingered fluffers
be quiet
in your hoof lies the heartland
where we tent for our treasure, pleasure, leisure

-

got me a movie
i want you to know
slicing up eyeballs
i want you to know
girlie so groovy
i want you to know
don't know about you
but i am un chien andalusia
wanna grow
up to be
be a debaser, debaser

-

well my father put a shame on me
said he wouldn't put his name on me
said he wouldn't be the first in his family
whose son cried when he was born
well he died the day i got a gun
said that he was proud that i's his son
that was right there in his plan
i'd grow up and be a man
and there was a tear, i saw it in his eye
he said he couldn't think of a better way to die
said boy if you wanna live
you better die like a brave man
i don't wanna die in middle of the night i want a
brave man's death

-

how can things be different
now that everything has changed?
watching her live her life
surely helped him turn the page
you deserve a big house,
and your heart deserves a cage
dying of old age,
feeding time is needing,
he won't be touched or seen
and lust has made him say some things
that he just didn't mean it
sleeping makes him wonder
it must be for the weak
they don't know nothing

-

distant and vague
every time i try to talk to you
she dreams of dreams and dreams
and one day will be queen
she does not know how much I mean
she must remain a child
she thinks she is so wild
she cannot find her style
and yet, she moves
distant and vague

-

if the walls were too thin
you would break in
if the walls were too thin
you would break right in
out in the thunder
opens my eyes wide
there is something in my mind
keeps me up at night
ooh when the window
lets in hot whips of light
before i feel it's time
to control my mind

-

i wouldn't find my place with this poor disguise
why can't i face myself without these lies?
i couldn't find my path without knowing it
i've been around every turn
i know what's left is right
i'll never let it die
i tried, i dared to free my mind
and all the same changes as before
don't seem to change a thing at all
i'm never gonna try
i know that i won't go back
it started with a smile, i know
but it won't come back

mixtape iv

angry ink in mouth corners

hey - pixies

victoria - old 97s

original spin - mother mother

show your age - the end of the world

chump change - new pornographers

strong shoulders - caroline smith & the good night sleeps

are you life - little

don't touch me - agent ribbons

fitzpleasure - alt-j

debaser - pixies

brave man's death - j roddy walston & the business

skinny bones jones - infantree

distant and vague - royal headache

apply - glasser

eidolon - karnivool

mixtape ii - dark daze

my baby's got the lonesome lows

don't quite go away overnight

doctor blind just prescribe the blue ones

if the dizzying highs don't subside overnight

doctor blind just prescribe the red ones

hard to hold cold to touch

fall to pieces treat the rush

in hindsight with primetime talk

-

i could walk into the sea

and i could choke away the memories

do i have to stay alive

just to keep our dresses white

you come to me in dreams

with all the other pretty things

and you tell me 'bout a savior

and how our souls go on forever

and time is just a hunger

it bleeds us all to nothing

and when it finally takes us over

i hope we float away together

-

i could have stayed at home and gone to bed

i could have gone to see a film instead

you might have changed your mind and seen your friends

life could have been very different then

but something changed

why did i write a song on that one day?

why did you touch my hand and softly say

stop asking questions that don't matter anyway?

when we woke up that morning

we had no way of knowing

that in a matter of hours

we'd change the way we were going

where would i be now?

where would i be now if we never met?

-

oh my heart it's a fish out of water

oh my heart it's a fish on the rocks

and it bakes in the bad sun 

oh my heart it's a rock in the gutter

oh my heart it's a rocky great boulder and stuck in the gutter

and i throw my heart back to the ocean

but it don't go far it come back floating

and i watch it wash up with the dead fish

but it ain't quite dead it just is like this

oh my heart it's a house in tornado

oh my heart it's a house in the sky in the eye of tornado 

-

there are beads that wrap around your knees

that crackle into the dark

like a walk in the park 

like a hole in your head

like the feeling you get when you realize

you're dead this time

we ride roller coasters into the ocean

we feel no emotion as we spiral

down to the world and i guess it's worth your time

because there's some lives you live

and some lives you leave behind

it gets hard to explain

the gardenhead knows my name

leave me alone

-

i will return here one day

and dig up my boots from the clay

i buried nails and strings and hair

and an old tooth i believe was a bear's

i held my hand in the fire

it burned me down to the wires

blood suckers hide beneath my bed

and black fumes of skin so gently bled

i slept with a cat on my breast

slowing my heart stealing my breath

at sunrise the monkeys will fly

and leave me with pennies in my eyes

-

i'm so heavy

i can't get up

morning comes

as it always

always does

i can feel

my skull

through my skin

people will tell you

people will chose for you

then say there weren’t no alternative

people will want you

to do just as they do

they’ll say it’s just how it must be done

close your eyes

sink down

another time

all your anger

and your grief

it spills down the line

pay your dues, honey

with the endlessness

alone with yourself

-

i became accustomed to a kind of social servitude

and no one, i mean no one, could accept what i had become

selfish, bitter, weak, enough to make you sick

and lately i've been feeling

there are bits of life i'm stealing

get me home

at times it seems i will not help

but it's just that i must save myself

from fear that blankets light mist on an optimist who insists

it's the simple things that crush

and i'm crying far too much

so much so that i'm thinking my control on life is shrinking

there's a light on in my head

and i'm thinking what i've said

all the freedom in my brain... i'm alright now, i'm just thinkin' what to say

-

she doesn't have to go to work

but she doesn't want to stay in bed

because it's changed from something comfortable

to something else instead

this bed has seen it all

from the first time to the last

the silences of now

and the good times of the past

-

gotta stop now, ya get me so down

this feeling still in everyone

it's cheating ourself, gotta stop now

when you do it all this way

i've always said it's easy that way

it's easy to manipulate

and take me to war

squirrel it away when you wake up cold and alive

you go

butt out

thought i had it down now

this is what i asked for

get out

go out 

get down now

but I'm not you so let it go

-

another day in the hole

i feel my lungs fill up with coal

i go to work i go to bed

it's what i do to keep you fed

it's what my father did for me

and when you're older you will see

all i need 

is to wake up

-

and i never meant to be the girl who broke your heart

i know i've been bad and did you wrong

and now i'm all alone

never meant to be your stepping stone

all the thoughts that were running through my head

i'm a little bit overwhelmed

forgive me if I try to ask you for help

i'm wrong i'm wrong, wrong, wrong

and my body feels your anger

like a fire burning deep

-

sow the seeds 

of everything to be

save what's left

i winter in my dreams

speak your words

define my grief for me

out of reach

some things just cannot be

mixtape ii

dark daze

doctor blind - emily haines

walk into the sea - low

something changed - pulp

o my heart - mother mother

gardenhead/leave me alone - neutral milk hotel

eyepennies - sparklehorse

heavy - mia dyson

american trilogy - the delgados

darker (instrumental) - doves

live bed show - pulp

down now - french kicks

coal miner - communist daughter

pontoon - emma louise

hawk - broadcast

this book is a movie (instrumental) - spoon

baby birch

it’s spring, my sapling
but i can’t watch you
stretch your branches
or spread fingers
in the sky. can’t hear
your laughter shake
green in the wind

don’t smell good earth
kicked up at your
little root feet,
petrichor when
you point & tremble

sweet sapling, spring
shows me space you
may have been; another
whole hole full
of emptiness

rather, i plant myself
in a cotyledon curl,
dream of more
yellow birds alight
in dark branches

& on white flashes
of bark, brown eyes
watch me, unblinking

in a yellow wood,
my sapling, spring
is ever on the edge
of my eyelid, my lips
spill voiceless
mouthfuls of converge
converge
converge.

he sayd, she sayd

his backache groans

as fate & conscience

readjust, settle

their weight

on the balance

of his shoulders,

& tendril secrets

in gilded strands

to a whirring spool

between sharp ears.

when he listens

he cocks his head

forward, so he can

see the circumference

of your words

before they land.

he is two steps back

& eagle eyed.

he is one great

leap ahead.

on seat-edges

in red dark

we strain forward

ears, eyes eager

open wide, wide

for the spring song

of a small brown bird.

perched on stage,

perched on one

leg, the other

trying to launch her

skyward with every

takeoff note.

but the weight

of her words is more

than just heavy.

the coo and tremble

in her hollow bones

take us too close to the

sun for wax wings

& the curtains

of her face.

forever ago is for emma

south & south west
you crouch atop a windaround
dirt hill, hide from mother, sister, wife,
hold out - in arms that shake
like samson’s pillars,

arms streaked with red dust
& a tired tenderness -
a squalling mass
of big eyes & brown curls,
whisper what you gave away
& want forgiveness.

but all i can do is break
like a five string serenade,
like a long dream from a short sleep
in a cold night, and slap tears
off my cheeks on a bad morning.