mixtape v - inside out

chelsea, the audience is waiting

my heart is palpitating

this life was meant for you, and me

chelsea, just gimme one good reason

why we shouldn't be pleasing 

this whole word is our destiny

-

in the chest of the dealer
hammers and smelts a foul charge
as he smooths sour cream
on his moll's pony
and metes her an unholy barrage
oh the living is hard

-

we took six of one
and nothing from the dozen
i guess i'll never need another hand to stay awake
oh, get me right up to the brink
i'll break one way or other
some of the best of us are already home
still singing softly through the stereo
although we tried to make the only amends
now it's just a soundtrack to the end

-

why is there a missing piece in everyone i know?
i never have the right parts to make them work out right
so they go on with their temperamental bags of tricks
such a half-assed mechanic
i can't even fix myself
if you tip it over on its side, crack it open
maybe you will find out what
look at all the wires, how they're twisted
do they make just a little sense to you?
maybe if you're smart you can figure out the problem
and solder it like glue

-

i would rather stay awake
than be asleep
while your shadow is
cheating all these
people behind their back
and you can take what's left in our hands
we can just replace them
with memories of sanities
going through our heads
we'll keep on fighting them off
with rocks and guns and daggers
and energies that flow within our bones
bang bang bang
here comes the end

-

you see this writing on the wall
oh angel, you see this curtain fall
good times seem so far away
just a memory old and grey
there's no one like you
you rip apart the clouds in all my days
others all
fade away
this long highway

-

windmills cut through
the void dividing the imagined and true
the eyes neglect to see what the heart pursues
but my heart finds a dream in these unseen hues
in the untouchable
that's not to say
that i don't feel the limitations and the
drop from the expectation
it's not naive but the heart of creation
it's the only thing proven true to me
when the fire's burning from sky to ground
swing my weight around
begin the windstorm

-

ashes to shingle over chimney fire
where the moonlight mingles with lamplight all the while
we waste our heavy hands
clinging to driveways lifted by a frost
underneath this grand, mass exodus of cars
our heavy hands will rust
and break down into dust
swear to god when we were young
where halflight hit we saw you in the sun
we could see your eyes of stone
when you told us we’d always be alone
pulling my face close to yours
to show me blood, dripping from your pores
if you could bite my face off, you know you would
the stench of something dead
is mixed with perfume that bled
from your limbs onto the hardwood
fighting the dark with the fierceness of a fire
burning ten loose leafs attaching words and wire
with heat and silhouettes
when we find you ashes work to bury you away

-

you used to coddle my stress and my pain
and just for that second our hearts would feel the same

-

i will make you a little paper boat
mmmm it'll always keep but probably never float
i'll fold the sails perfectly straight
i bet the wind won't blow and you'll have to wait
for the current to pick up and push you forward
oh and if my boat won't float i'll make you a paper crane
i think it means good luck in japan
oh, if it flew it would probably crash land
i'm no good with origami...
i will write you a little french poem
bring all your friends because you'll wanna show 'em
i will make sure it's grammatically correct
to read in your head with my french accent

-

and i can see right through your skin
your bones are hollow, they're paper-thin
tonight, you're weightless
i know the way you feel
so try, try lifting all your weight
for a man, a man gone wrong.
and try, try wasting all your days
on a man, a man like me
and my love is a lot like yours
it's been crippled by the wars we wage
we're hopeless
we're on the losing side

-

empty cries and hollow toots
all the signs that have no use
and fingers point accusingly are sinning
humourless hypocrisy
and all the crimes we didn't see
the sigh that knows the devil might be winning
but you're the same as you and i'm the same as me
and hopefully we can find ways to let us be reasonably fine,
reasonably fine, at least to let my music shine
and maybe it's the greatest test
a man's surrounded by his death
but reaches out and tastes the sweetest honey
that's how you make me feel
i love you more than death is real
it's sad but in the end it might be funny

-

distant and vague
every time i try to talk to you
don't know what to say,
tell me what my heart is supposed to do
she won't be happy without love
no one is happy without love
distant and vague,
since the time i saw her in a crowd
she dreams of dreams and dreams,
and one day will be queen
she does not know how much i mean
she must remain a child
she thinks she is so wild
she cannot find her style
and yet, she moves

-

walking down the yellow brick road
you left a clue
crumpled up a photograph
you had with you
giving up the suitcase life
and leaving your wife
there's a tunnel at the end of the light
don't know what to say to you
standing in the windowsill
don't know what to say to you
now you've swallowed your last pill
don't know what to say to you
firing prayers into the night
when everything is alright

-

a potent mix of wonder
ignorance and fear
a place to hide under
a secret place to keep
self-serving answers
paper-thin belief
come bury your soul with me
i know i'd like a conscious life
i don't know how to get there
so keep me right
we're wasting time
i don't know how to get there
stand up and fight for all you've
yet to know
a bloated rich endeavor
unnecessary care
something i should bury
or something i should share?
come listen for doubtful emblems
and you'll find me there

mixtape v: inside out

1. chelsea, lets go join the circus (agent ribbons)

2. song in the key of chance (augie march)

3. soundtrack to the end (communist daughter)

4. half-assed mechanic (loquat)

5. bang bang bang (sahara beck)

6. long highway (the jezabels)

7.windstorm (school of seven bells)

8. halflight (meligrove band)

9. mend (the young art!)

10. paper boat (gossling)

11. a man like me (beulah)

12. reasonably fine (the cat empire)

13. distant and vague (royal headache)

14. crashing the afterglow (versus)

15. conscious life for coma boy (aereogramme)

or listen on spotify here.

mixtape i - in a deep river

immerse my underlying message
one for all of her and one for him
open up let's play our part in this
terms are yours to use them as you wish
don't you love it when the rain
falls down upon your face
like sleeping on a train
when there's nothing else at stake
i'm leaving when a song, burns, tears my soul apart
but I'll never leave you stranded
with your broken down heart

-

i think that you're the older brother
that i never had
i wish i could reach out and touch you
don't worry, i'm not sad
i know you're just where you want to be
and everyone's a hundred grand
save some space for me
and say hello to your dad

-

but somebody told me
that your mother was born
oh, a wandering woman with a spirit
so sworn of the riverside
and it never surprised me
but it meant that my love was immobilized
well, it meant that my love was immobilized
cause when it comes, it comes when it does.
but you came in the middle
and you fell in my hands
oh a, wonderful woman and an average man.
See that makes me the lucky man
i won't be deserving, but i won't be denied
see, i fell in this position, i'll still teach my kids pride
because failure's a part of it all
and if failure don't hurt
then failure don't work no more

-

sorrow found me when i was young
sorrow waited, sorrow won
sorrow that put me on the pills
it's in my honey it's in my milk
don't leave my half-burned heart alone
on the water
cover me in rag-and-bone sympathy
'cause i don't wanna get over you
i don't wanna get over you

-

cheer up my brother
it's going to be alright
i know your hearts are heavy as mountains
but were going to go back home one day
wore my dress up to my knees
there's ghosts of babies in the streams

-

i was speaking soft
see the pain in your eyes
i've been feeling for you, my love
and our bodies are tired
our shadows will dance
i've been aching for you, my love
and my love is wasted
sorry for this i never meant to be
hurting ourselves
and i'm complicated
you won't get me out of trouble
understanding myself
my head is a jungle

-

you're the color
you're the movement and the spin
(never)
could it stay with me the whole day long
fail with consequence
lose with eloquence
and smile
i'm not in this movie
i'm not in this song
never leave me paralyzed, love
leave me hypnotized, love

-

i'd like to know completely
what others so discreetly
talk about when they leave me
not that I notice when they're gone
it's eerie and so scary
i don't know who to marry
your sister came to bait me
but i love it when you blink your eyes
oh i
i want to know my body
i want this out not in me
i want to know no secrets yet
i'll leave
oh i'll leave care
it's saved me once too often

-

i killed a love that i could see through
out of my head and i went too far
i never said that i could save you
from the dark
i've been trying to maintain
but it's always in vain
and i'm already gone
don't wanna cry for the dead things
don't wanna open up the wounds that never heal
i found a space between
for all those memories
out in the black
where they keep me company

-

surely don't stay long, i'm missing you now
it's like i told you I'm over you somehow
before i close the door, i need to hear you say goodbye
baby won't you change your mind?
i guess that hasn't changed someone
maybe nobody else could understand
but just before i see that you leave
i want you to hold
all the things that you said
baby, i wish i was dead

-

i could see myself living in the ocean
with nothing new to say
i've got a grievance with devotion
no matter where i sleep
i could see myself happy in my old age
with no one around to save
and no one above my grave
every day i spin the globe and think of life somewhere else
this is a necessary evil that i found in myself
i could see myself cursing at the ocean
with nothing new to say

-

when the iron is cold and the binding holds fast onto you
when i listen for the footsteps
that nearly knock me down in the room
the tower is gone, you say
but how well can you really see?
oh you'll find it by and by
in a heartbeat you'll be free
and you will
run run run run run run run run run
keep running back to me
oh the both of our heads
you've been searching to find a way through
but there's nothing that i want
more than a reason to be following you
when you bring up the matches
just remember that i own them all too
if a lie won't go too deep
in a heartbeat you'll be free
and you will
run run run run run run run run run
keep running back to me

-

slept on the beach in barcelona
all by myself
they stole my stuff they took my camera
i had no pictures to tell
i didn't care because i was flying
like a bird in outer space
i was young and dumb and stronger
you could tell if you touched my face
yes, i could name a few times and i
i would call them good times, but the
sad thing about good times i that you
only know them when they
wash away

-

i woke this morning deep in the earth
laying bare with the granite and the moths
up i clambered and i was met by the sun
it was then i saw you there, down on the street
you've come such a long way
with no one to comfort you
or to tell you you're needed
you and i come from the same place
but if i were to come for you
what's there left to believe in?

tracks

1. underlying message - busby marou
2. older brother - pepper rabbit
3. big man - boy & bear
4. (instrumental) hug the piano - emma pollock
5. sorrow - the national
6. mountains - sparklehorse
7. jungle - emma louise
8. consequence - the notwist
9. distortions - clinic
10. out in the black - imaad wasif
11. halah - mazzy star
12. cassandra - paper rival
13. run - basia bulat
14. barcelona - tinpan orange
15. calliope! - the veils

price

t-boned in blood & guts

on a tuesday afternoon

the five car pile-up of

an unsuspecting song.

background music turned

rogue wave, swept

everything into my head &

out of my eyes & i

sit here reeling, while

the tide retreats 

in a whitewash over

my face, or fortitude.

until tasks before & after

feel grain-of-sand significant.

i’m bone bleached & stuck

with seafoam, salt;

hung between eternity:

mirrors of sea reflecting sky,

reflecting sea, reflecting

sky & all my

rough edges bashed

smooth in sound

or waves or both.

monday, monday

mundane.
a breadth of hours
wider than
the indigo well
of your thoughts
is deep.

you come to
four o’ clock
after throwing out
line after line;
buckets pull up
nothing close
to enough
to sate

a day’s heart-
hunger. silly you,
fishing just
water to fill

that internal
gnaw for only
plain roots after
everyone’s temporary
tendrils tie you
down, constrict &
eat all your
sunlight,

green lust in
their leaves only
spreads further up
& further out.

you: full sick
of shallow sums
& only want some
challenge:

wading through
thick mud, thigh-
deep problems &
bootpulls of just
the most real,
necessary
work.

A Ritual to Read to Each Other by William Stafford

If you don't know the kind of person I am
and I don't know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.

For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant's tail, 
but if one wanders the circus won't find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy, 
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider--
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep,
the signals we give--yes or no, or maybe--
should be clear; the darkness around us is deep.