metaphysical therapy

i have a new shoulder. and a left arm that is going to have to learn how to work all over again. it hurts just to sit here while i try and type this with one hand. my left hand is the only part of it i can move by myself. but i can feel everything just fine, so no nerve damage. what was supposed to be a 5 hour surgery was actually 10 hours. he was meticulous, and confident they removed all the cancer (or whatever it is.) he said the full biopsy and analysis will take 2 weeks. so, just waiting.

every day is a new step of progress, getting a shirt on without cutting it up first. i wore a bra today, even. first time since the 25th of Jan. (day of surgery.)

remind me to tell you about the convict in the bed next to mine when i came to.

i'll be honest, what's getting me through is music and writing poetry, by hand, in a little notebook. i hadn't done that in a long while.

in the mean time, here's my "sharkbite." (that's what dr. randall calls it.) it's 16 inches long and goes from my collarbone to the crook of my elbow.

ultimately, cyborg

surgery tomorrow, if dr. randall gets a transplant bone he's happy with. it's going to be a full shoulder replacement. he even drew me a picture:

i get a titanium joint and rod inserted into transplanted bone and part of my original bone, and then he gets to reattach my rotator cuff (all 4 parts of it) onto the transplant. i asked for the inspector gadget version, and he laughed.

best case, the rotator cuff attached perfectly and i don't end up with pneumonia or a giant infection and after lots of physical therapy i'll be able to raise my arm over my head. probable case, with lots of physical therapy i'll be able to touch my face again at some point.

worst case, too much nerve and arterial damage during the removal of the diseased bone and tumor means primary amputation of my left arm.

it's hard not to react like this:

temporary diagnosis

i finally wrestled free the biopsy results from the nurse.

diagnosis: "osteosarcoma, low-grade fibroblastic subtype."
frozen section diagnosis: "spindle cell neoplasm, defer to permanent."

dunno what either of those mean. more info coming on monday.

positive

so it's cancer.

some of the cells looked pretty nasty. but it's not spreading yet, so that's good. dr. randall didn't give me much detail when i talked to him for a few minutes this afternoon about the results. he said he'll go over stuff in a lot more detail at my appointment on monday.

it's gonna take surgery, he said. removal and replacement. be prepared to be in the hospital for a few days. and he wants to move fast, thinks he'll schedule it for a week from monday.

so, more news later. meanwhile i'm gonna see if i can scare up a copy of my biopsy results from the nurse.

gotta get at least a name so i can start googling and figure out all the questions i have.

for now, i just feel kinda numb about it all. ambivalent. honestly, relieved just to know that they know what it is now.

or, that i know what it is now.

this is less fun to say than it is to read...

biopsy results during surgery were inconclusive. but it's been narrowed down to possibly three things instead of like 15. won't know for sure until wednesday, unless it's malignant, then they'll call sooner he said. i've been staying in bed and doped up. they didn't even have to drill into the bone once they sliced me open, it kind of just fell apart so they could get in. sounds fun, eh? i know. trust me, it's as fun as it sounds.