temporary diagnosis

i finally wrestled free the biopsy results from the nurse.

diagnosis: "osteosarcoma, low-grade fibroblastic subtype."
frozen section diagnosis: "spindle cell neoplasm, defer to permanent."

dunno what either of those mean. more info coming on monday.

positive

so it's cancer.

some of the cells looked pretty nasty. but it's not spreading yet, so that's good. dr. randall didn't give me much detail when i talked to him for a few minutes this afternoon about the results. he said he'll go over stuff in a lot more detail at my appointment on monday.

it's gonna take surgery, he said. removal and replacement. be prepared to be in the hospital for a few days. and he wants to move fast, thinks he'll schedule it for a week from monday.

so, more news later. meanwhile i'm gonna see if i can scare up a copy of my biopsy results from the nurse.

gotta get at least a name so i can start googling and figure out all the questions i have.

for now, i just feel kinda numb about it all. ambivalent. honestly, relieved just to know that they know what it is now.

or, that i know what it is now.

this is less fun to say than it is to read...

biopsy results during surgery were inconclusive. but it's been narrowed down to possibly three things instead of like 15. won't know for sure until wednesday, unless it's malignant, then they'll call sooner he said. i've been staying in bed and doped up. they didn't even have to drill into the bone once they sliced me open, it kind of just fell apart so they could get in. sounds fun, eh? i know. trust me, it's as fun as it sounds.

results are: still no results

i met with dr. randall yesterday. he said it could be a bunch of things, but he wasn't going to sit and rattle them off because it doesn't do any good to speculate, and he ordered a surgical biopsy, which he scheduled for tomorrow (wednesday.)

he did say, however, that it wasn't a cyst or a bone infection, so we know for sure that it's a tumor. now we just have to see what kind it is. he said if it's benign, then while they're in there for the biopsy they'll just go in and curettage the diseased part and pack it in with some freeze-dried bone chips (from a cadaver) and i'll be bandaged and unable to use it for about 2 weeks.

and then i got sent to pre-op, got a fancy hospital bracelet which i get to wear all day today so i can check in easy tomorrow, they took a million vials of blood (ok, not a million, just six) and i got woozy like i always do when i'm around needles. i used to be totally fine with needles and then i got that shot in my eye when i was 18 and it completely ruined me.

then i got sent for an iodine contrast CT of my lungs. (i'm assuming so that he could see if anything had metastasized to them, as most malignant bone cancers in the shoulders will head to the lungs first... or he could have just wanted an in depth view of my amazing rack. who knows?) the iodine contrast was interesting, and a bit painful, because i got the CT after i met with the phlebotomist, who, because i was a bit dehydrated, had a hard time finding my vein and poked up my right elbow pretty good... so the iodine IV the radiologist needed was stuck in my (hurt) left arm, and then i had to raise my arms over my head, which it turns out is pretty painful with a broken shoulder, even when you ARE on percoset. when the iodine was injected, it was the weirdest sensation, i could feel everything getting warm, and when it hit my heart, i could feel the warmth just spread everywhere, and then it felt like i was peeing my pants, even though i wasn't, which has never happened before... anyway, interesting. and then dad told me my uncle is allergic to iodine contrast dye and it almost killed him. probably something i should have known, for family history medical reasons... idunno.

and then we went out for meatball subs and went home. didn't get a chance to meet with dr. randall after the chest CT, so i don't know if/what he found in there. probably won't find out till tomorrow, after the surgery/biopsy.

speaking of surgery, it's finally after 2pm, so i have to call them and find out when they've scheduled it for! more updates (probably one-handed) later this week.

every year the goal

to get a little bit better, at getting better at better holding on to my resolutions. i did alright, i wrote more last year than i did the year before, and this year, i will write more often than i did last year.

we can just say the goal is this: be a little bit better tomorrow than i was today.

that's enough progress for me.

well, and to write more poetry. i'll lose if i don't go chasing it down. (chasin' it dao-eee-owwnnn.)

mri and ct scans tomorrow at 1:30pm. gonna take them with me up to see dr. randall monday morning. then we find out if i've got cancer, or just a cancery-type-thing.

i'm keepin' my fingers crossed for cancery-type-thing.

you should, too. please.